Subculture
Had to write this an hour or so at a time after work each night, so it isn't as cohesive as I'd like it to be. I'm still not really pleased with it, but decided to post it anyway since I haven't put anything up in three days.
Looking back on my high school days there’s countless things that I wish I could change. Unlike most people, who would choose not to date a certain person, or not wear a certain outfit to a school dance, there are things which I did in high school that most people will never know. I’m trying to get my life back in order now, but I find that it is getting more and more difficult with each passing day. The impact that the people around me had made was so large that I find it hard to feel remorse for the things that I did. I still don’t regret that I did them because it made others unhappy. I only regret that I did them because it makes me unhappy in the present to think about them. I know that I can’t escape the memories, so it’s no use running away from them. I am still searching for answers, and I am still not entirely sure that they exist.
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Ten Years Ago
I was only about fourteen or fifteen and just starting fall semester when I began seeking a real identity. I wasn’t sure what or who I wanted to be. I wasn’t athletic, so I couldn’t join the jock crowd. I wasn’t especially good-looking, so I couldn’t join the popular crowd (which was mostly jocks anyway). I wasn’t smart, so I couldn’t be a geek. I fluttered around that “normal” level for a couple of months, when one day at school some kids came up to me at lunch to comment on my t-shirt. It was actually one of my older brother’s t-shirts that I grabbed since most of my own ones that I liked were dirty. I usually never ate with anyone, or at least on that day I wasn’t. There were a couple of kids in my fourth period class that I talked with who would ask me to sit with them, and if I was feeling up for it I’d go over and hang out with them.
I didn’t know who the kids were until I looked up. All I heard was “Hey, cool shirt”, before I managed to identify the intruders of my privacy. Before I even made it to their faces I could tell who I was dealing with. Big black boots, enormously baggy black pants, and all kinds of jewelry on their wrist to match their belts which could second as a melee weapon in the movie Gladiator. The group had a different name depending on who you asked. Some called them “The Goths”, some called them “Outsiders”, others called them “Fuckin’ Freaks”, and several just opted to call them “Them”. I honestly never really thought about it. At first I was a little scared to be approached by them, and I even thought about running for it. I didn’t know if they were going to beat me up, or pull some prank, or what. My eyes finally reached their faces – two guys and two girls – each sporting an out-of-the-ordinary hair style. One of the boys had his hair braided in to strands which stuck up over his head. The other had a very short buzz cut with something carved in to the back. One of the girls had pitch black hair which was pulled back and hung down to her back. The other had bubble-gum pink hair which was short and tied in to pigtails. I didn’t manage to say anything, but I did think for a split second that the girl with the pink hair was kind of cute.
“I said nice shirt”, one of the guys said again. I said thanks, and was about to say that it was my brother’s, but then I thought better of it. It wouldn’t be good to piss off the only people who had ever taken the time to talk to me. They asked me if the concert was any good, but I didn’t know what they were talking about. Then I remembered that my brother had gotten the shirt at a concert, and it was evident by the dates on the back and the name of our city on the front. I found lying to them was easier the second time and I said it was okay. They started talking amongst themselves, and I figured that they’d just walk away and go terrorize some other kid in the courtyard.
To my astonishment they sat down on the steps next to me and started talking about all sorts of stuff. Soon I felt like an intruder upon their privacy. With my trim haircut, well-fitting blue jeans, and New Balance sneakers, I felt like Mr. Rogers at a rave party. During one of the gaps in their chatter one of them asked me what my name was. I told them that I was Billy Fletcher, and then felt like an idiot for saying my last name (this wasn’t a damn classroom after all). The guy with the buzz cut kind of chuckled and said, “Name’s Row. He’s Patsy, short for Patrick, ‘though we just call him Patsy to piss him off.” He laughed again. “She’s Rozey (he nodded to the girl with black hair), and she’s Lindsey, or Zee for short. We seen you out here a few times. Didn’t know people like you listened to music like that”, he said as he motioned to my shirt. I could’ve told them the truth, and said that the shirt wasn’t mine, and that I had actually never even heard any of their music, but the company was somewhat pleasant. It sure beat the hell out of eating alone, anyway. I managed to talk my way through the rest of the lunch period. I figured they saw through my pathetic attempt at acting like one of them, but was surprised when they said they’d see me tomorrow at the same spot. The four of them walked off towards the cafeteria. I thought I had seen the last of them, but I was horrifically wrong.
When I got home from school my mom was passed out on the couch. On the small end table next to her were more than just a couple bottle of alcohol. I took a quick glance at her and sighed, and then headed upstairs. I took another one of my older brother’s concert shirts to wear the next day. I also laid out the baggiest pair of pants that I had. They were dark-colored blue jeans, but it was better than what I was wearing the other day. I wanted to look more like them because I felt it’d help me feel a part of their group. Up until now I really hadn’t been approached by anyone, and wasn’t about to blow a golden opportunity. Sure enough the four of them came outside the next day and sat down next to me just as I was finishing my lunch. They started talking about all kinds of bands I had never heard of, and then went on to complain about their classes. The boy named Patsy was saying how he’d like to kill his Biology teacher (I could relate, that subject was so frustrating), and Rozey was saying how her parents were having another fight the previous night. Row said his parents were just the same, and Zee chipped in about her’s too. “What about you, Billy”, Row had asked me. “Your parents ever argue, or they perfect like everyone else’s?”
I had planned to be ready and on my feet today with lying. I had even thought of some things they might ask me that I could lie about. Unfortunately, or in this case a twisted sort of fortune for me, my parents were very similar to theirs. “Yea”, I started out, “My parents don’t really argue, but that’s ‘cause my dad don’t live with us no more. Cheated on my mom and they got a divorce. Only see him once a month, but I don’t think he really cares. Mom doesn’t really pay much attention to me, so I can kind of just do my own thing.” I had hoped that by saying I was independent I would impress them a little, and sure enough it did. “I can dig that”, Patsy said. “Well, if you can do your own thing, how about hanging out with us some time? We’re going to the mall this Friday, you down?” For the first time in high school someone was asking me to go hang out. Row looked back towards the cafeteria, Patsy was looking down at the ground at my feet, and Rozey was staring off in to the sky somewhere. Zee was staring at me, as if she was hoping I’d say yes. I said sure, and she looked away towards Rozey, with a small trace of a smile on her face. “Alright”, Patsy said. “I’ll get your number then and call you Friday about it.” I was excited, nervous, and anxious to go out with them. Sure they seemed a little scary when I had first seen them, but they didn’t seem like all that bad of a bunch of kids. At least I might be able to call them my friends.
When I got home I almost thought to ask my mom for permission, but remembered that she was probably too drunk to answer, and wouldn’t care either way. I took out the money I had been saving for a new personal computer, and stuffed it in to my wallet. I planned on picking up some better clothes than what I had; something that would help me fit in with the others better. Their rebellious attitude was starting to rub off on me. The past few years I’ve lived in a dysfunctional family with a father who doesn’t care about me and a mother who’s too drunk to try. I just kind of accepted it as the way my family was meant to be, but never really got angry about it. I was beginning to hate those people whose lives were perfect, because everyone should have that. I should have that. I was still nervous about going out with them, since they were still a little intimidating to me. I still hadn’t gotten to know any of them really well, but was eager if they gave me the chance.
The school day on Friday came and went, and at lunch they told me to meet them in the parking lot after school. My final class seemed about four periods long, but when the bell finally rang I was incredibly anxious. I went out to the parking lot and found Row waving me over to an old Honda Accord. “It’s my brother’s”, he said. “But he won’t wake up for another couple hours.” Row got in the driver’s seat, and Rozey was in the passenger’s side. I got in the back and was sitting next to Zee, who was in the middle in between Patsy and me. It was crowded, and hotter than it should’ve been for some reason. Or maybe it was just me. Either way, we all started talking as Row pulled the car out of the parking lot and headed towards the mall.
There are only a couple of stores in the mall that sell the kinds of clothes that the gang wore, and I wasn’t surprised when we headed straight for them first. I started eyeing some clothes and asked Zee what she thought of them. She beckoned Patsy over, who said “Yea, yea, those look pretty good. How much are they?” “49.99”, I said. “Yea fuck that”, he said. I started to hang them back up, but he grabbed them from my hands. “Lemme go try ‘em on real quick… these shirts too”, he said, and headed back towards the fitting room, winking at Zee. She smiled and called for Row and Rozey. “What’s up”, they asked. “Patsy’s gone to ‘try on’ some shirts and a pair of pants, so be ready.” They nodded, and it seemed that everyone knew something I didn’t. I had the money, and fifty dollars seemed pretty reasonable for a pair of pants, but I guess maybe Patsy wanted to try them on because he liked them too. After a couple minutes of browsing Patsy came back out, but didn’t have any of the clothes. Thinking he forgot them in the fitting room, I started to walk towards him and said “Hey Pat—”, but he stuck his elbow in my stomach and said, “Just keep walking”. We left the store, and looking back I still can’t believe my naiveté. I still didn’t know what was going on, and when Row said, “So ya’ll hungry? Let’s go get something to eat”, I forgot about the clothes and followed them.
Patsy had me follow him in to the men’s restroom in the food court, where he started to undress. Underneath his jacket were the three shirts, with holes where each of the security clips had been clamped down. Underneath his extremely baggy pants were the 49.99 jeans I had seen, with a similar hole in one of the back pockets. “Thank me later”, he said, and ran back out to join the others. I stood in the bathroom in front of the pile of clothes and my head started spinning. My stomach was getting tighter by the second and I felt like throwing up. This was the first step. I didn’t know what I had gotten myself in to, but if I was going to hang with these guys, I had to do things like this. I thought about what the right thing to do was. I thought about people I had looked up to in life. At one time I may have recalled a happy memory of my father telling me that stealing was wrong, but instead a different one popped up in my head. I was running upstairs after playing basketball outside. I was only about nine or ten, and was going to tell my father I hit ten free throws in a row. When I rounded the corner at the top of the steps, I heard him talking on the phone. He was in mid-sentence when I heard him: “know how it is man. Some days I just hate coming home from work. I think to myself – Christ – I’d almost rather be in the office then come home to my miserable wife and these kids. They are just a vacuum on the money I make, money that could buy me a younger wife”, and then he laughed. “Thanks dad”, I thought to myself then and there. I put all the clothes on underneath the ones I already had, and walked out to meet the others.
We all got something to eat (which beat the hell out of cooking for my mom) when Row asked me a question. “How much money you bring anyway”, he asked. “Couple hundred”, I said. “No shit? It all yours”, Patsy asked. I said it was, and they all stared at one another. I could tell they were all thinking the same thing, and so I felt left out since I was still clueless. They were all smiling and then they looked back at me. “Wanna have some fun with that money”, Row asked me. “Uh, sure, whatever you guys wanna do”, I said. “Alright, just give me about fifty bucks and we’ll fill you in later”, he said. I gave him fifty without thinking twice. I honestly would’ve done pretty much anything they asked me to at that point. I knew deep down that that meant I might be getting used, but it really didn’t feel like it at all. Especially not when they dropped me off. They drove to Rozey’s house first and dropped her off. Row was headed to Zee’s house and when he got there I was getting ready to get out of the car to let her out. “That’s okay”, she said, and started to climb over me and unlock the door to open it. She was just about halfway out when something happened that I still think about to this day. For no apparently or seemingly plausible reason she grabbed my crotch with one hand, making it appear like she lost her balance. She then smiled and jolted out of the car. “Bye”, she said, and then she began walking up to her house. Row started to drive again, and I started to breathe. I didn’t ask either of them what the hell that was all about, and was silent the rest of the way home. Little did I know then that if I had looked over at Patsy, I would have most likely seen him scowling.
I went to my room and listened on the new music I had just got (which unsurprisingly I didn’t have to pay for) for the rest of the night. I was just getting ready for bed when I got a text message from Zee, which said “HAD FUN 2DAY, C U N SKOOL”. I sent her one back, trying not to sound like the ignorant fool I probably was, “THX, WAS FUN, C U 2MR”. Despite the fact that I felt like I had a group that I belonged to now, I was still slightly afraid. I was afraid of what people would think when I showed up to school in the clothes that I had “acquired” from the mall. Would people think I was a “Goth”, or “Freak”, too? Was I? I mean, if I hung out with the guys, would it make me one of them? Would I be a part of their group too? Would that become my identity? Would that become who “I” am? I didn’t really like to think about that kind of stuff too much. I just laid out my clothes for the next day and went to sleep with a mixture of surprise, guilt, and nervousness.
The next day at school I could feel kids staring at me from behind my back. The entire day I felt like I was being ridiculed behind the guise of whispers and head nodding. A part of me wanted to change out of the clothes and blend back in with the rest of the mediocre crowd. A separate part of me enjoyed all the attention, and was finally glad that people were noticing me, even if it was because of what I was wearing. At least with my new look and my new attitude I had a group of friends to be with, instead of being normal and all alone. At lunch time Row complained some more about his English teacher Ms. Henson. I had her too, but during a different period of the day. Truthfully I thought she was a pretty nice teacher, but apparently Row was failing, and knew it was because the teacher simply didn’t like him. We were just chilling out and Patsy remembered the fifty dollars I loaned him. He said that he got his older brother to buy some beer with it, along with cheap concert tickets to some band that was playing over the weekend at some small club downtown.
I had become a well-enough part of the group by now that I knew that meant I’d be going with them to the concert, and that after we’d be going to someone’s house to drink. Halfway through lunch Zee came over to sit on my lap, and I put my arms around her like she was my close sister. I didn’t even really think about doing it. Back then I didn’t really think about much of anything at all. I just did what I felt like doing, or said what I felt like saying. I was thinking more about what worked out for me, and not so much for other people. After all, we live our lives for ourselves right? Why waste it for other people if they won’t do the same for you? This is just a tidbit of the insight that our group talked about when we got together. The last bell of the day rang and since we were getting together on Friday for the concert, I decided to just lie low at my house for a few days. I’d find out how bad of a move that was on my part only a few minutes later.
I was barely in the door when my mother was already talking much more loudly than was necessary. “So look who has decided to ruin his life”, she bellowed. I gave her one of those “What the hell” looks, and went up to my room. When I was called down for dinner I ignored her, but she wouldn’t stop screaming and her voice was getting on my nerves. My brother had helped her make dinner that night, and we all sat around the table which was strewn with old bills and all sorts of other crap. Then out of nowhere my brother (who is a senior at the same school I go to) starts lecturing me about my friends. He tells me they aren’t the kind of people I should associate with, blah fucking blah, you probably can guess the rest. My mom said he agreed with him, but I told her she’s usually too drunk to even sit and eat dinner with us before storming up to my room. My brother went up to my room and started talking outside my door, since I had locked it when I came up earlier. He was trying to tell me how I could feel like a part of a group without having to do things that I thought were wrong, but I turned my music up so I couldn’t hear him.
Unfortunately, I also missed a call from Zee because it was so loud. I didn’t notice until well past midnight, but I decided to give it a shot and call her back anyway. Turns out she was still up too, hoping that I’d call her back. We talked about the concert and other random stuff. Pretty much I just let her start talking about something and then I’d put my two cents in, usually in some form of agreement with her. Before long it was getting really late and since the concert was the next day I decided to go to bed. I told her good night, and mentally prepared myself for whatever surprises this downtown night club had in store for me.
After school on Friday Row drove us all back to his house where we hung out for a while. Patsy’s brother had already bought the beer, but they had all planned to party after the concert. I just kind of stayed low-profile the entire night until we got to the nightclub where the concert was taking place. I hadn’t ever heard of the band before – it was some type of horrorcore like ICP, but they turned out okay. When we rolled in to the parking lot I felt like I was in some kind of Miami Vice movie. People were snorting coke and others had huge blunts and cigars in their hands. Most the people inside were drinking alcohol, and when I went to the restroom I found people in the stalls pumping needles in to their arms. This whole subculture here felt so odd and out of place to me, but since I didn’t have to partake in any of it, I just let it slide. These were just people trying to forget how pathetically dull and boring their mundane everyday lives were. Who was I to judge them? I couldn’t really tell who was who or what was going on during the concert.
The strobe lights made it hard to see who was around me, but that also made me feel a little more comfortable. At least if I looked like an idiot no one would be able to realize it. I saw Row and Rozey dancing (though I guess it could be described more as a thrashing) together, or at least it looked like them. Just next to them I saw Zee’s unmistakable pink hair. She was moving her head around like she was looking for someone, but this other guy was with her. From a distance it looked like Patsy but I got thrown in to a mosh pit before I could get a good look. Having never been to a concert like this before, I also had never experienced a mosh pit. Just when I thought I was going to be crushed and killed someone grabbed my arm and pulled me out. It was Zee, and I told her thanks for saving my life. She just kind of laughed it off and we started moving through the crowd to find the others. The place was finally starting to get to me, and even if we left to go somewhere else with a bunch of alcohol I would’ve been glad. The people there were all on something (and I learned later that night Patsy and Rozey were too) and something just didn’t feel right.
Row drove us back to his place where the beer now was, and they all started drinking. I didn’t think twice about drinking, since it was a given that I would have to. I couldn’t really say no, since first of all it was my money that bought it, and secondly I wanted to do whatever it was my friends were doing. After we were all sufficiently drunk Row’s brother offered to drive us all home. He hadn’t been drinking much (at least I didn’t think he had been) so I went ahead and said it was okay. It wasn’t like I was going to call my mom or brother to come get me. Rozey stayed behind at Row’s house, since she only lives a couple minutes away and was already passed out. Patsy sat in the passenger’s side and Zee sat in the back next to me. Well, it –was- next to me for a few minutes, but she scooted over and sat more or less on top of me. Since I was drunk I’m still not one hundred percent sure of what happened, but I know that she started kissing me, and I think we started making out. It felt weird being drunk and doing things that I had only thought of doing while I was sober. In actuality I felt a bit more alive, and I was shocked that Zee was being so forward. I could tell for a while now that she liked me, and I thought she was pretty cool too, but I never thought things would get moving this fast. I guess that’s the kind of effect alcohol can have on you. After I got dropped off I headed to my room and fell asleep to the sound of birds beginning to chirp outside of my window.
The next day at lunch Rozey caught me before we all joined up at our usual spot to talk to me. She told me that I better play it cool, since Patsy was pissed off about something that happened the other night. Row saw us talking and came over, too. He said Patsy had called him the other night really pissed off about what was happening between me and Zee. I never knew Patsy was jealous, or that he even liked Zee. To this day I think that he never really did like her, he just didn’t want to see me with her, for whatever reason. I could play it cool, but Zee was just as aggressive as she ever was. Unless they told her to stop, I wasn’t going to refuse anything she did or said. Who was I to tell her who to like? If Patsy had a problem between me and Zee then he had to talk to one of us about it or learn to deal with it. Zee didn’t stop smothering me at lunch, and I could tell Patsy was pissed off about it. He would hardly say anything and just sat there with a scowl on his face. I didn’t really care since I was riding high at this point, and enjoying every minute of it. My hair was starting to grow out pretty long, since I hadn’t gotten it cut in quite a while. People started staring at me more in the hall, but I didn’t care.
We went back to the mall a few more times and this time I got my own clothes. My brother kept harping at me but I ignored him the best I could. My mom continued her usual drunken stupor. Things went on this way for quite a few weeks, with the tension between Patsy and me building. Row and Rozey seemed neutral, and Zee never gave me a minute to breathe. I thought things could stay this way throughout high school and I could be happy. Those days were immensely different than what I once thought I’d be experiencing in high school, but they were my days. They were who I was. I thought I had finally found a place for me.
It was about halfway between spring break and the end of the semester when things started to change. One day at lunch Row told us that Ms. Henson was the biggest bitch in the school. He went on to complain how she kept sending him to the office and getting him in-school suspension. I could tell that it wasn’t the same as a few weeks ago, and that now he was livid. Patsy spoke up and said that we should do something about it. Rozey said that you couldn’t really fuck with the school and get away with it, and Row nodded in agreement. “Oh no”, Patsy started to say, “We won’t do nothing at school.” He said that he had a plan, but that he’d tell us later after he had it all worked out. A couple of days later, his “master plan” was revealed. Since Patsy had been hearing all semester from Row how big of a bitch this Ms. Henson person was, he decided that we should take actions in to our own hands. He said life had never been fair to us, giving us deadbeat parents and a school filled with idiots. He said that we had to do things for ourselves, and that was the only way things would go right. If someone was being an asshole in real life it was up to someone to set them straight. His plan to set Ms. Henson straight was anything but expected. I thought that he’d suggest rolling her house, or pulling some practical prank on her outside of school. His idea, though, was to go during school hours and kidnap her precious Twinkles (her beloved pet cat that she had pictures of all over her classroom). He said there was more, but that we’d know about it when the time was right. I wanted to argue with Patsy then and there, and stand up and object. I knew Ms. Henson had never really done anything wrong to anyone. I thought she was a pretty decent person. I didn’t let on that I thought so, but deep down I knew it. Ultimately I was just passively silent and the others took it as an acceptance of Patsy’s plan.
I spent the rest of the school day thinking about the “prank” we were going to pull on Ms. Henson. When I got home I plopped myself on my bed and thought about it some more. Internally I was having a struggle. Part of me wanted to go through with it so I didn’t disappoint the guys, and the other part of me knew that doing it was really wrong. It was true that hanging with the guys had made me more prone to doing things which weren’t exactly “good”, but with something like this I thought Patsy was taking it too far. I decided to call Zee and see what she thought about all of it. She picked up and told me that she really didn’t think it was going to be that big of a deal. She said Patsy had been pulling pranks on people his entire life, and he wouldn’t do anything too serious. She said she was sure the cat wouldn’t be harmed, and it was just to scare Ms. Henson. When I pressed my doubts upon her further she asked if I wanted to come over and talk to her in person about them. It wasn’t the first time I’d been over to Zee’s house, so I wasn’t particularly nervous.
I took my mom’s car (which she hardly ever used anyways nowadays) and drove over to her house (I only had my learner’s permit, but didn’t think twice about driving without a real license). It turned out that her parents were gone, so the place was kind of quiet. I sat on the couch in the living room and started telling Zee that I thought this plan was a bad idea. I told her that I didn’t want to join in on it, but that I was afraid the others wouldn’t want to hang out with me anymore if I didn’t. She sat down next to me and took hold of my hand. “Don’t worry”, she said, “Patsy ain’t gonna do anything stupid like that. I promise.” She started to kiss my neck and her other hand was going all over. Before I knew it she was on top of me and in her underwear. I’m not going to describe any further, since you could probably guess the rest. I woke up and it was dark outside. At first I didn’t know where I was, but Zee was lying on top of me and that quickly made me remember. I looked at my cell phone and saw that it was close to three in the morning. I got all my stuff and drove back home, leaving Zee to sleep on the couch. Tomorrow after school we were going to prank Ms. Henson, and I would be there for Zee at the very least.
Patsy’s plan was to kidnap Ms. Henson’s cat which runs around freely outside in her back yard. Then he planned to keep it in what looked like a potato sack. When Ms. Henson got home from school, I was going to run up to the house and ring the doorbell (I’d be wearing one of those Halloween masks like in the movie Scream). Patsy would have the car in her cul-de-sac and pointed towards the street. After I rang the doorbell he was going to throw the bag in the middle of the cul-de-sac and I’d run and jump in the car. He thought that at the very least it would terrify Ms. Henson when she found her precious cat all kicking and scratching around inside of a potato sack that was sewn shut. I was sitting in the car as he went over the plan again, and I was shaking pretty bad. I told Patsy that I’d rather Row ring the doorbell, but he said Row had to be lookout for people passing by. I would have a mask, but Patsy, Row, Rozey, and Zee wouldn’t. We were circling around Ms. Henson’s neighborhood until finally she pulled in to her driveway and headed indoors. I had to be pretty quick about going to ring the doorbell, since she would undoubtedly go looking for her Twinkles as soon as she was home. Just after she went through the front door, my heart stopped beating and my stomach did a back flip. It was do or die time. I put on the mask and ran up to her front porch steps. I was shaking and sweating really bad, and inside the mask the sweat was starting to get in to my eyes. I had to ring the doorbell fast though, I had to. I had to show them all that I could be a good friend. I couldn’t go back to eating alone again. I had to remain a part of this group. With those thoughts I looked back to Patsy, who I could see through the passenger’s-side window. He gave me the thumbs up, and I rang the doorbell. The car was about a 15 second sprint away, and I started to book it. I saw the potato sack hit the ground with a thud. I could tell the cat was still inside because I saw it kicking and clawing. “Good”, I thought to myself, “At least he didn’t harm it.” I heard Ms. Henson open the door behind me and yell, “Who’s there”, followed by, “Hey! What are you doing!?” I was a third of the way to the car, and could feel my heart already beginning to pump faster. Then three things filled my mind which to this day I can’t seem to erase.
The smell of gasoline, the sight of fire, and the sound of Patsy’s tires screeching as he pulled away and gunned it out of sight. I could hear a scream coming from inside the car, and I could only guess it was Zee’s. I was halfway to where Patsy’s car –used- to be, and heard Ms. Henson behind me, screaming in terror. The potato sack was now scorching with flames that would’ve reached up to my waist. I didn’t know what to think at that point, but I knew one thing for sure. Twinkles had definitely been burned alive. My legs kept running. I wanted to stop and try to put out the fire, but I knew it wouldn’t have been any use. Ms. Henson knew my friends and I would have gotten us all in trouble had I stopped. So I kept running. I found some woods behind a house about a quarter-mile down the road and even after I hit them, I just kept on running.
I called Zee and said vehemently, “What the fuck was that all about.” To my surprise, it was not Zee, but Patsy who answered the phone. “This is what happens, when you fuck around with my friends”, he said. “Don’t ever fuck around with us, okay? You had your fucking fun, but don’t think for a second that I’m going to let you just click in just like that. This ain’t no fucking game, this ain’t no fucking popular crowd. This is the real fucking deal my friend. This is real life shit”, and then he hung up. My heart was still racing, and my head was pounding. I was lost in the woods with no sense of direction, and soon the police would be in the neighborhood at Ms. Henson’s request. Suddenly remorse and sorrow for Ms. Henson hit me like a thousand tons of bricks. I felt so sorry for a woman who was only living her life and trying to enjoy it. The one thing that probably brought her joy at the end of a long day had just been killed. Was this justification? Was this truly absolution for making Row a little bit mad in class one day? I figured Zee didn’t know about it, since I heard her screaming in the car as Patsy peeled out. Row probably knew, which is why he didn’t opt to ring the doorbell. Rozey might not have known, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she did.
As I sat in the woods with my cell phone in my hands and no one to call to rescue me, I thought my life was over. I could picture in my head the police dogs finding me, and having myself hauled in to jail. I kept on walking for what seemed like hours, and eventually I hit the highway. I heard the cars before I actually saw them, and simply walked towards the noise. It was then that I finally broke down. I even thought about dashing in front of one of the 75-mph moving vehicles, but remembered that there was still one person left on my cell phone I could call. Without knowing if he would even answer when he saw it was from me, I called my brother.
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Things were never really settled between me and the guys. They stopped coming over to sit with me, and I stopped wearing black clothes and even cut my hair. Zee caught me on AIM one night and we talked for several hours about what had happened that day. She sounded really sorry, but made it seem like she couldn’t express her feelings in front of the others. I knew that it meant they’d kick her out of their clique too if she did. The next day at school the principal made an announcement that if anyone had details as to an incident regarding Ms. Henson, that there were cash rewards being offered. I thought that Patsy would turn me in and end up getting paid to do it, but he kept his mouth shut. There was too much evidence I could’ve given them about how I was connected to them. Looking back I still remember the faces of people who were snorting coke at the concert, and people that were pumping needles in their arms in the bathroom stalls. I remember the smell of beer on Lindsey’s breath the countless number of times she’d kiss me at one of our parties. I can remember Row’s passiveness, Rozey’s ability to stay behind the scenes (perhaps she was the one pulling the strings all along), and Patsy’s constant scowling and sour attitude.
I stayed by myself the entire semester (since no one would come within a mile of me due to my recent reputation), and the following year I blended in with the normal kids again. Some of them even asked me why I was hanging out with the “Goth kids” last year. I could’ve told them that it was because I had finally found an identity, a person to be, and a reason to live. That would’ve been true. It was only recently I learned that one can be whatever one wishes to be, and that an identity is nothing more than what one sees oneself as. Just because my identity –is- something, doesn’t mean that it –has- to be that way. I obviously didn’t tell the people that asked me that any sort of answer like that, though. Instead I’d just look to the ground, where the smell of gasoline, the sound of screeching tires, and the sight of flickering flames came to mind, and then I’d say, “I’d really just kind of like to forget about them”, which is something that I am still struggling with to this day.
Looking back on my high school days there’s countless things that I wish I could change. Unlike most people, who would choose not to date a certain person, or not wear a certain outfit to a school dance, there are things which I did in high school that most people will never know. I’m trying to get my life back in order now, but I find that it is getting more and more difficult with each passing day. The impact that the people around me had made was so large that I find it hard to feel remorse for the things that I did. I still don’t regret that I did them because it made others unhappy. I only regret that I did them because it makes me unhappy in the present to think about them. I know that I can’t escape the memories, so it’s no use running away from them. I am still searching for answers, and I am still not entirely sure that they exist.
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Ten Years Ago
I was only about fourteen or fifteen and just starting fall semester when I began seeking a real identity. I wasn’t sure what or who I wanted to be. I wasn’t athletic, so I couldn’t join the jock crowd. I wasn’t especially good-looking, so I couldn’t join the popular crowd (which was mostly jocks anyway). I wasn’t smart, so I couldn’t be a geek. I fluttered around that “normal” level for a couple of months, when one day at school some kids came up to me at lunch to comment on my t-shirt. It was actually one of my older brother’s t-shirts that I grabbed since most of my own ones that I liked were dirty. I usually never ate with anyone, or at least on that day I wasn’t. There were a couple of kids in my fourth period class that I talked with who would ask me to sit with them, and if I was feeling up for it I’d go over and hang out with them.
I didn’t know who the kids were until I looked up. All I heard was “Hey, cool shirt”, before I managed to identify the intruders of my privacy. Before I even made it to their faces I could tell who I was dealing with. Big black boots, enormously baggy black pants, and all kinds of jewelry on their wrist to match their belts which could second as a melee weapon in the movie Gladiator. The group had a different name depending on who you asked. Some called them “The Goths”, some called them “Outsiders”, others called them “Fuckin’ Freaks”, and several just opted to call them “Them”. I honestly never really thought about it. At first I was a little scared to be approached by them, and I even thought about running for it. I didn’t know if they were going to beat me up, or pull some prank, or what. My eyes finally reached their faces – two guys and two girls – each sporting an out-of-the-ordinary hair style. One of the boys had his hair braided in to strands which stuck up over his head. The other had a very short buzz cut with something carved in to the back. One of the girls had pitch black hair which was pulled back and hung down to her back. The other had bubble-gum pink hair which was short and tied in to pigtails. I didn’t manage to say anything, but I did think for a split second that the girl with the pink hair was kind of cute.
“I said nice shirt”, one of the guys said again. I said thanks, and was about to say that it was my brother’s, but then I thought better of it. It wouldn’t be good to piss off the only people who had ever taken the time to talk to me. They asked me if the concert was any good, but I didn’t know what they were talking about. Then I remembered that my brother had gotten the shirt at a concert, and it was evident by the dates on the back and the name of our city on the front. I found lying to them was easier the second time and I said it was okay. They started talking amongst themselves, and I figured that they’d just walk away and go terrorize some other kid in the courtyard.
To my astonishment they sat down on the steps next to me and started talking about all sorts of stuff. Soon I felt like an intruder upon their privacy. With my trim haircut, well-fitting blue jeans, and New Balance sneakers, I felt like Mr. Rogers at a rave party. During one of the gaps in their chatter one of them asked me what my name was. I told them that I was Billy Fletcher, and then felt like an idiot for saying my last name (this wasn’t a damn classroom after all). The guy with the buzz cut kind of chuckled and said, “Name’s Row. He’s Patsy, short for Patrick, ‘though we just call him Patsy to piss him off.” He laughed again. “She’s Rozey (he nodded to the girl with black hair), and she’s Lindsey, or Zee for short. We seen you out here a few times. Didn’t know people like you listened to music like that”, he said as he motioned to my shirt. I could’ve told them the truth, and said that the shirt wasn’t mine, and that I had actually never even heard any of their music, but the company was somewhat pleasant. It sure beat the hell out of eating alone, anyway. I managed to talk my way through the rest of the lunch period. I figured they saw through my pathetic attempt at acting like one of them, but was surprised when they said they’d see me tomorrow at the same spot. The four of them walked off towards the cafeteria. I thought I had seen the last of them, but I was horrifically wrong.
When I got home from school my mom was passed out on the couch. On the small end table next to her were more than just a couple bottle of alcohol. I took a quick glance at her and sighed, and then headed upstairs. I took another one of my older brother’s concert shirts to wear the next day. I also laid out the baggiest pair of pants that I had. They were dark-colored blue jeans, but it was better than what I was wearing the other day. I wanted to look more like them because I felt it’d help me feel a part of their group. Up until now I really hadn’t been approached by anyone, and wasn’t about to blow a golden opportunity. Sure enough the four of them came outside the next day and sat down next to me just as I was finishing my lunch. They started talking about all kinds of bands I had never heard of, and then went on to complain about their classes. The boy named Patsy was saying how he’d like to kill his Biology teacher (I could relate, that subject was so frustrating), and Rozey was saying how her parents were having another fight the previous night. Row said his parents were just the same, and Zee chipped in about her’s too. “What about you, Billy”, Row had asked me. “Your parents ever argue, or they perfect like everyone else’s?”
I had planned to be ready and on my feet today with lying. I had even thought of some things they might ask me that I could lie about. Unfortunately, or in this case a twisted sort of fortune for me, my parents were very similar to theirs. “Yea”, I started out, “My parents don’t really argue, but that’s ‘cause my dad don’t live with us no more. Cheated on my mom and they got a divorce. Only see him once a month, but I don’t think he really cares. Mom doesn’t really pay much attention to me, so I can kind of just do my own thing.” I had hoped that by saying I was independent I would impress them a little, and sure enough it did. “I can dig that”, Patsy said. “Well, if you can do your own thing, how about hanging out with us some time? We’re going to the mall this Friday, you down?” For the first time in high school someone was asking me to go hang out. Row looked back towards the cafeteria, Patsy was looking down at the ground at my feet, and Rozey was staring off in to the sky somewhere. Zee was staring at me, as if she was hoping I’d say yes. I said sure, and she looked away towards Rozey, with a small trace of a smile on her face. “Alright”, Patsy said. “I’ll get your number then and call you Friday about it.” I was excited, nervous, and anxious to go out with them. Sure they seemed a little scary when I had first seen them, but they didn’t seem like all that bad of a bunch of kids. At least I might be able to call them my friends.
When I got home I almost thought to ask my mom for permission, but remembered that she was probably too drunk to answer, and wouldn’t care either way. I took out the money I had been saving for a new personal computer, and stuffed it in to my wallet. I planned on picking up some better clothes than what I had; something that would help me fit in with the others better. Their rebellious attitude was starting to rub off on me. The past few years I’ve lived in a dysfunctional family with a father who doesn’t care about me and a mother who’s too drunk to try. I just kind of accepted it as the way my family was meant to be, but never really got angry about it. I was beginning to hate those people whose lives were perfect, because everyone should have that. I should have that. I was still nervous about going out with them, since they were still a little intimidating to me. I still hadn’t gotten to know any of them really well, but was eager if they gave me the chance.
The school day on Friday came and went, and at lunch they told me to meet them in the parking lot after school. My final class seemed about four periods long, but when the bell finally rang I was incredibly anxious. I went out to the parking lot and found Row waving me over to an old Honda Accord. “It’s my brother’s”, he said. “But he won’t wake up for another couple hours.” Row got in the driver’s seat, and Rozey was in the passenger’s side. I got in the back and was sitting next to Zee, who was in the middle in between Patsy and me. It was crowded, and hotter than it should’ve been for some reason. Or maybe it was just me. Either way, we all started talking as Row pulled the car out of the parking lot and headed towards the mall.
There are only a couple of stores in the mall that sell the kinds of clothes that the gang wore, and I wasn’t surprised when we headed straight for them first. I started eyeing some clothes and asked Zee what she thought of them. She beckoned Patsy over, who said “Yea, yea, those look pretty good. How much are they?” “49.99”, I said. “Yea fuck that”, he said. I started to hang them back up, but he grabbed them from my hands. “Lemme go try ‘em on real quick… these shirts too”, he said, and headed back towards the fitting room, winking at Zee. She smiled and called for Row and Rozey. “What’s up”, they asked. “Patsy’s gone to ‘try on’ some shirts and a pair of pants, so be ready.” They nodded, and it seemed that everyone knew something I didn’t. I had the money, and fifty dollars seemed pretty reasonable for a pair of pants, but I guess maybe Patsy wanted to try them on because he liked them too. After a couple minutes of browsing Patsy came back out, but didn’t have any of the clothes. Thinking he forgot them in the fitting room, I started to walk towards him and said “Hey Pat—”, but he stuck his elbow in my stomach and said, “Just keep walking”. We left the store, and looking back I still can’t believe my naiveté. I still didn’t know what was going on, and when Row said, “So ya’ll hungry? Let’s go get something to eat”, I forgot about the clothes and followed them.
Patsy had me follow him in to the men’s restroom in the food court, where he started to undress. Underneath his jacket were the three shirts, with holes where each of the security clips had been clamped down. Underneath his extremely baggy pants were the 49.99 jeans I had seen, with a similar hole in one of the back pockets. “Thank me later”, he said, and ran back out to join the others. I stood in the bathroom in front of the pile of clothes and my head started spinning. My stomach was getting tighter by the second and I felt like throwing up. This was the first step. I didn’t know what I had gotten myself in to, but if I was going to hang with these guys, I had to do things like this. I thought about what the right thing to do was. I thought about people I had looked up to in life. At one time I may have recalled a happy memory of my father telling me that stealing was wrong, but instead a different one popped up in my head. I was running upstairs after playing basketball outside. I was only about nine or ten, and was going to tell my father I hit ten free throws in a row. When I rounded the corner at the top of the steps, I heard him talking on the phone. He was in mid-sentence when I heard him: “know how it is man. Some days I just hate coming home from work. I think to myself – Christ – I’d almost rather be in the office then come home to my miserable wife and these kids. They are just a vacuum on the money I make, money that could buy me a younger wife”, and then he laughed. “Thanks dad”, I thought to myself then and there. I put all the clothes on underneath the ones I already had, and walked out to meet the others.
We all got something to eat (which beat the hell out of cooking for my mom) when Row asked me a question. “How much money you bring anyway”, he asked. “Couple hundred”, I said. “No shit? It all yours”, Patsy asked. I said it was, and they all stared at one another. I could tell they were all thinking the same thing, and so I felt left out since I was still clueless. They were all smiling and then they looked back at me. “Wanna have some fun with that money”, Row asked me. “Uh, sure, whatever you guys wanna do”, I said. “Alright, just give me about fifty bucks and we’ll fill you in later”, he said. I gave him fifty without thinking twice. I honestly would’ve done pretty much anything they asked me to at that point. I knew deep down that that meant I might be getting used, but it really didn’t feel like it at all. Especially not when they dropped me off. They drove to Rozey’s house first and dropped her off. Row was headed to Zee’s house and when he got there I was getting ready to get out of the car to let her out. “That’s okay”, she said, and started to climb over me and unlock the door to open it. She was just about halfway out when something happened that I still think about to this day. For no apparently or seemingly plausible reason she grabbed my crotch with one hand, making it appear like she lost her balance. She then smiled and jolted out of the car. “Bye”, she said, and then she began walking up to her house. Row started to drive again, and I started to breathe. I didn’t ask either of them what the hell that was all about, and was silent the rest of the way home. Little did I know then that if I had looked over at Patsy, I would have most likely seen him scowling.
I went to my room and listened on the new music I had just got (which unsurprisingly I didn’t have to pay for) for the rest of the night. I was just getting ready for bed when I got a text message from Zee, which said “HAD FUN 2DAY, C U N SKOOL”. I sent her one back, trying not to sound like the ignorant fool I probably was, “THX, WAS FUN, C U 2MR”. Despite the fact that I felt like I had a group that I belonged to now, I was still slightly afraid. I was afraid of what people would think when I showed up to school in the clothes that I had “acquired” from the mall. Would people think I was a “Goth”, or “Freak”, too? Was I? I mean, if I hung out with the guys, would it make me one of them? Would I be a part of their group too? Would that become my identity? Would that become who “I” am? I didn’t really like to think about that kind of stuff too much. I just laid out my clothes for the next day and went to sleep with a mixture of surprise, guilt, and nervousness.
The next day at school I could feel kids staring at me from behind my back. The entire day I felt like I was being ridiculed behind the guise of whispers and head nodding. A part of me wanted to change out of the clothes and blend back in with the rest of the mediocre crowd. A separate part of me enjoyed all the attention, and was finally glad that people were noticing me, even if it was because of what I was wearing. At least with my new look and my new attitude I had a group of friends to be with, instead of being normal and all alone. At lunch time Row complained some more about his English teacher Ms. Henson. I had her too, but during a different period of the day. Truthfully I thought she was a pretty nice teacher, but apparently Row was failing, and knew it was because the teacher simply didn’t like him. We were just chilling out and Patsy remembered the fifty dollars I loaned him. He said that he got his older brother to buy some beer with it, along with cheap concert tickets to some band that was playing over the weekend at some small club downtown.
I had become a well-enough part of the group by now that I knew that meant I’d be going with them to the concert, and that after we’d be going to someone’s house to drink. Halfway through lunch Zee came over to sit on my lap, and I put my arms around her like she was my close sister. I didn’t even really think about doing it. Back then I didn’t really think about much of anything at all. I just did what I felt like doing, or said what I felt like saying. I was thinking more about what worked out for me, and not so much for other people. After all, we live our lives for ourselves right? Why waste it for other people if they won’t do the same for you? This is just a tidbit of the insight that our group talked about when we got together. The last bell of the day rang and since we were getting together on Friday for the concert, I decided to just lie low at my house for a few days. I’d find out how bad of a move that was on my part only a few minutes later.
I was barely in the door when my mother was already talking much more loudly than was necessary. “So look who has decided to ruin his life”, she bellowed. I gave her one of those “What the hell” looks, and went up to my room. When I was called down for dinner I ignored her, but she wouldn’t stop screaming and her voice was getting on my nerves. My brother had helped her make dinner that night, and we all sat around the table which was strewn with old bills and all sorts of other crap. Then out of nowhere my brother (who is a senior at the same school I go to) starts lecturing me about my friends. He tells me they aren’t the kind of people I should associate with, blah fucking blah, you probably can guess the rest. My mom said he agreed with him, but I told her she’s usually too drunk to even sit and eat dinner with us before storming up to my room. My brother went up to my room and started talking outside my door, since I had locked it when I came up earlier. He was trying to tell me how I could feel like a part of a group without having to do things that I thought were wrong, but I turned my music up so I couldn’t hear him.
Unfortunately, I also missed a call from Zee because it was so loud. I didn’t notice until well past midnight, but I decided to give it a shot and call her back anyway. Turns out she was still up too, hoping that I’d call her back. We talked about the concert and other random stuff. Pretty much I just let her start talking about something and then I’d put my two cents in, usually in some form of agreement with her. Before long it was getting really late and since the concert was the next day I decided to go to bed. I told her good night, and mentally prepared myself for whatever surprises this downtown night club had in store for me.
After school on Friday Row drove us all back to his house where we hung out for a while. Patsy’s brother had already bought the beer, but they had all planned to party after the concert. I just kind of stayed low-profile the entire night until we got to the nightclub where the concert was taking place. I hadn’t ever heard of the band before – it was some type of horrorcore like ICP, but they turned out okay. When we rolled in to the parking lot I felt like I was in some kind of Miami Vice movie. People were snorting coke and others had huge blunts and cigars in their hands. Most the people inside were drinking alcohol, and when I went to the restroom I found people in the stalls pumping needles in to their arms. This whole subculture here felt so odd and out of place to me, but since I didn’t have to partake in any of it, I just let it slide. These were just people trying to forget how pathetically dull and boring their mundane everyday lives were. Who was I to judge them? I couldn’t really tell who was who or what was going on during the concert.
The strobe lights made it hard to see who was around me, but that also made me feel a little more comfortable. At least if I looked like an idiot no one would be able to realize it. I saw Row and Rozey dancing (though I guess it could be described more as a thrashing) together, or at least it looked like them. Just next to them I saw Zee’s unmistakable pink hair. She was moving her head around like she was looking for someone, but this other guy was with her. From a distance it looked like Patsy but I got thrown in to a mosh pit before I could get a good look. Having never been to a concert like this before, I also had never experienced a mosh pit. Just when I thought I was going to be crushed and killed someone grabbed my arm and pulled me out. It was Zee, and I told her thanks for saving my life. She just kind of laughed it off and we started moving through the crowd to find the others. The place was finally starting to get to me, and even if we left to go somewhere else with a bunch of alcohol I would’ve been glad. The people there were all on something (and I learned later that night Patsy and Rozey were too) and something just didn’t feel right.
Row drove us back to his place where the beer now was, and they all started drinking. I didn’t think twice about drinking, since it was a given that I would have to. I couldn’t really say no, since first of all it was my money that bought it, and secondly I wanted to do whatever it was my friends were doing. After we were all sufficiently drunk Row’s brother offered to drive us all home. He hadn’t been drinking much (at least I didn’t think he had been) so I went ahead and said it was okay. It wasn’t like I was going to call my mom or brother to come get me. Rozey stayed behind at Row’s house, since she only lives a couple minutes away and was already passed out. Patsy sat in the passenger’s side and Zee sat in the back next to me. Well, it –was- next to me for a few minutes, but she scooted over and sat more or less on top of me. Since I was drunk I’m still not one hundred percent sure of what happened, but I know that she started kissing me, and I think we started making out. It felt weird being drunk and doing things that I had only thought of doing while I was sober. In actuality I felt a bit more alive, and I was shocked that Zee was being so forward. I could tell for a while now that she liked me, and I thought she was pretty cool too, but I never thought things would get moving this fast. I guess that’s the kind of effect alcohol can have on you. After I got dropped off I headed to my room and fell asleep to the sound of birds beginning to chirp outside of my window.
The next day at lunch Rozey caught me before we all joined up at our usual spot to talk to me. She told me that I better play it cool, since Patsy was pissed off about something that happened the other night. Row saw us talking and came over, too. He said Patsy had called him the other night really pissed off about what was happening between me and Zee. I never knew Patsy was jealous, or that he even liked Zee. To this day I think that he never really did like her, he just didn’t want to see me with her, for whatever reason. I could play it cool, but Zee was just as aggressive as she ever was. Unless they told her to stop, I wasn’t going to refuse anything she did or said. Who was I to tell her who to like? If Patsy had a problem between me and Zee then he had to talk to one of us about it or learn to deal with it. Zee didn’t stop smothering me at lunch, and I could tell Patsy was pissed off about it. He would hardly say anything and just sat there with a scowl on his face. I didn’t really care since I was riding high at this point, and enjoying every minute of it. My hair was starting to grow out pretty long, since I hadn’t gotten it cut in quite a while. People started staring at me more in the hall, but I didn’t care.
We went back to the mall a few more times and this time I got my own clothes. My brother kept harping at me but I ignored him the best I could. My mom continued her usual drunken stupor. Things went on this way for quite a few weeks, with the tension between Patsy and me building. Row and Rozey seemed neutral, and Zee never gave me a minute to breathe. I thought things could stay this way throughout high school and I could be happy. Those days were immensely different than what I once thought I’d be experiencing in high school, but they were my days. They were who I was. I thought I had finally found a place for me.
It was about halfway between spring break and the end of the semester when things started to change. One day at lunch Row told us that Ms. Henson was the biggest bitch in the school. He went on to complain how she kept sending him to the office and getting him in-school suspension. I could tell that it wasn’t the same as a few weeks ago, and that now he was livid. Patsy spoke up and said that we should do something about it. Rozey said that you couldn’t really fuck with the school and get away with it, and Row nodded in agreement. “Oh no”, Patsy started to say, “We won’t do nothing at school.” He said that he had a plan, but that he’d tell us later after he had it all worked out. A couple of days later, his “master plan” was revealed. Since Patsy had been hearing all semester from Row how big of a bitch this Ms. Henson person was, he decided that we should take actions in to our own hands. He said life had never been fair to us, giving us deadbeat parents and a school filled with idiots. He said that we had to do things for ourselves, and that was the only way things would go right. If someone was being an asshole in real life it was up to someone to set them straight. His plan to set Ms. Henson straight was anything but expected. I thought that he’d suggest rolling her house, or pulling some practical prank on her outside of school. His idea, though, was to go during school hours and kidnap her precious Twinkles (her beloved pet cat that she had pictures of all over her classroom). He said there was more, but that we’d know about it when the time was right. I wanted to argue with Patsy then and there, and stand up and object. I knew Ms. Henson had never really done anything wrong to anyone. I thought she was a pretty decent person. I didn’t let on that I thought so, but deep down I knew it. Ultimately I was just passively silent and the others took it as an acceptance of Patsy’s plan.
I spent the rest of the school day thinking about the “prank” we were going to pull on Ms. Henson. When I got home I plopped myself on my bed and thought about it some more. Internally I was having a struggle. Part of me wanted to go through with it so I didn’t disappoint the guys, and the other part of me knew that doing it was really wrong. It was true that hanging with the guys had made me more prone to doing things which weren’t exactly “good”, but with something like this I thought Patsy was taking it too far. I decided to call Zee and see what she thought about all of it. She picked up and told me that she really didn’t think it was going to be that big of a deal. She said Patsy had been pulling pranks on people his entire life, and he wouldn’t do anything too serious. She said she was sure the cat wouldn’t be harmed, and it was just to scare Ms. Henson. When I pressed my doubts upon her further she asked if I wanted to come over and talk to her in person about them. It wasn’t the first time I’d been over to Zee’s house, so I wasn’t particularly nervous.
I took my mom’s car (which she hardly ever used anyways nowadays) and drove over to her house (I only had my learner’s permit, but didn’t think twice about driving without a real license). It turned out that her parents were gone, so the place was kind of quiet. I sat on the couch in the living room and started telling Zee that I thought this plan was a bad idea. I told her that I didn’t want to join in on it, but that I was afraid the others wouldn’t want to hang out with me anymore if I didn’t. She sat down next to me and took hold of my hand. “Don’t worry”, she said, “Patsy ain’t gonna do anything stupid like that. I promise.” She started to kiss my neck and her other hand was going all over. Before I knew it she was on top of me and in her underwear. I’m not going to describe any further, since you could probably guess the rest. I woke up and it was dark outside. At first I didn’t know where I was, but Zee was lying on top of me and that quickly made me remember. I looked at my cell phone and saw that it was close to three in the morning. I got all my stuff and drove back home, leaving Zee to sleep on the couch. Tomorrow after school we were going to prank Ms. Henson, and I would be there for Zee at the very least.
Patsy’s plan was to kidnap Ms. Henson’s cat which runs around freely outside in her back yard. Then he planned to keep it in what looked like a potato sack. When Ms. Henson got home from school, I was going to run up to the house and ring the doorbell (I’d be wearing one of those Halloween masks like in the movie Scream). Patsy would have the car in her cul-de-sac and pointed towards the street. After I rang the doorbell he was going to throw the bag in the middle of the cul-de-sac and I’d run and jump in the car. He thought that at the very least it would terrify Ms. Henson when she found her precious cat all kicking and scratching around inside of a potato sack that was sewn shut. I was sitting in the car as he went over the plan again, and I was shaking pretty bad. I told Patsy that I’d rather Row ring the doorbell, but he said Row had to be lookout for people passing by. I would have a mask, but Patsy, Row, Rozey, and Zee wouldn’t. We were circling around Ms. Henson’s neighborhood until finally she pulled in to her driveway and headed indoors. I had to be pretty quick about going to ring the doorbell, since she would undoubtedly go looking for her Twinkles as soon as she was home. Just after she went through the front door, my heart stopped beating and my stomach did a back flip. It was do or die time. I put on the mask and ran up to her front porch steps. I was shaking and sweating really bad, and inside the mask the sweat was starting to get in to my eyes. I had to ring the doorbell fast though, I had to. I had to show them all that I could be a good friend. I couldn’t go back to eating alone again. I had to remain a part of this group. With those thoughts I looked back to Patsy, who I could see through the passenger’s-side window. He gave me the thumbs up, and I rang the doorbell. The car was about a 15 second sprint away, and I started to book it. I saw the potato sack hit the ground with a thud. I could tell the cat was still inside because I saw it kicking and clawing. “Good”, I thought to myself, “At least he didn’t harm it.” I heard Ms. Henson open the door behind me and yell, “Who’s there”, followed by, “Hey! What are you doing!?” I was a third of the way to the car, and could feel my heart already beginning to pump faster. Then three things filled my mind which to this day I can’t seem to erase.
The smell of gasoline, the sight of fire, and the sound of Patsy’s tires screeching as he pulled away and gunned it out of sight. I could hear a scream coming from inside the car, and I could only guess it was Zee’s. I was halfway to where Patsy’s car –used- to be, and heard Ms. Henson behind me, screaming in terror. The potato sack was now scorching with flames that would’ve reached up to my waist. I didn’t know what to think at that point, but I knew one thing for sure. Twinkles had definitely been burned alive. My legs kept running. I wanted to stop and try to put out the fire, but I knew it wouldn’t have been any use. Ms. Henson knew my friends and I would have gotten us all in trouble had I stopped. So I kept running. I found some woods behind a house about a quarter-mile down the road and even after I hit them, I just kept on running.
I called Zee and said vehemently, “What the fuck was that all about.” To my surprise, it was not Zee, but Patsy who answered the phone. “This is what happens, when you fuck around with my friends”, he said. “Don’t ever fuck around with us, okay? You had your fucking fun, but don’t think for a second that I’m going to let you just click in just like that. This ain’t no fucking game, this ain’t no fucking popular crowd. This is the real fucking deal my friend. This is real life shit”, and then he hung up. My heart was still racing, and my head was pounding. I was lost in the woods with no sense of direction, and soon the police would be in the neighborhood at Ms. Henson’s request. Suddenly remorse and sorrow for Ms. Henson hit me like a thousand tons of bricks. I felt so sorry for a woman who was only living her life and trying to enjoy it. The one thing that probably brought her joy at the end of a long day had just been killed. Was this justification? Was this truly absolution for making Row a little bit mad in class one day? I figured Zee didn’t know about it, since I heard her screaming in the car as Patsy peeled out. Row probably knew, which is why he didn’t opt to ring the doorbell. Rozey might not have known, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she did.
As I sat in the woods with my cell phone in my hands and no one to call to rescue me, I thought my life was over. I could picture in my head the police dogs finding me, and having myself hauled in to jail. I kept on walking for what seemed like hours, and eventually I hit the highway. I heard the cars before I actually saw them, and simply walked towards the noise. It was then that I finally broke down. I even thought about dashing in front of one of the 75-mph moving vehicles, but remembered that there was still one person left on my cell phone I could call. Without knowing if he would even answer when he saw it was from me, I called my brother.
---
Things were never really settled between me and the guys. They stopped coming over to sit with me, and I stopped wearing black clothes and even cut my hair. Zee caught me on AIM one night and we talked for several hours about what had happened that day. She sounded really sorry, but made it seem like she couldn’t express her feelings in front of the others. I knew that it meant they’d kick her out of their clique too if she did. The next day at school the principal made an announcement that if anyone had details as to an incident regarding Ms. Henson, that there were cash rewards being offered. I thought that Patsy would turn me in and end up getting paid to do it, but he kept his mouth shut. There was too much evidence I could’ve given them about how I was connected to them. Looking back I still remember the faces of people who were snorting coke at the concert, and people that were pumping needles in their arms in the bathroom stalls. I remember the smell of beer on Lindsey’s breath the countless number of times she’d kiss me at one of our parties. I can remember Row’s passiveness, Rozey’s ability to stay behind the scenes (perhaps she was the one pulling the strings all along), and Patsy’s constant scowling and sour attitude.
I stayed by myself the entire semester (since no one would come within a mile of me due to my recent reputation), and the following year I blended in with the normal kids again. Some of them even asked me why I was hanging out with the “Goth kids” last year. I could’ve told them that it was because I had finally found an identity, a person to be, and a reason to live. That would’ve been true. It was only recently I learned that one can be whatever one wishes to be, and that an identity is nothing more than what one sees oneself as. Just because my identity –is- something, doesn’t mean that it –has- to be that way. I obviously didn’t tell the people that asked me that any sort of answer like that, though. Instead I’d just look to the ground, where the smell of gasoline, the sound of screeching tires, and the sight of flickering flames came to mind, and then I’d say, “I’d really just kind of like to forget about them”, which is something that I am still struggling with to this day.
posted by Stephen at
9:40 PM
1 Comments:
desparation can make us do terrible, regrettable things. you really know how to describe the self-conflict of a young person learning how to grow up.
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Anonymous, at 5:58 PM
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