"That Girl"

For a few guys, or at least for me, there was always “that girl” in high school. “That girl” for me didn’t change weekly like it did for most guys. She was passive and quiet, which was not at all that different from myself. Existing in her presence, I could feel a barrier that surrounded her like a thin protective layer. That barrier was the conqueror of my shyness, and thus I never did actually talk to her the way I would’ve liked. There are all sorts of commercials, TV shows, and movies, where two people fall in love by simply the first glance they share. Skeptics say that is why they are fake, but some romantics think otherwise.

I know what you’re thinking. I was a young teenage boy in puberty prime who didn’t know love from lust any more he did his Algebra from his Calculus. That is the point I would beg to differ. I admit to being influenced by my teenage chemistry. There’s no doubt in my mind that there isn’t a person on the planet who isn’t at that age. Yet, the feelings I harbored for “that girl” were something of a different nature. Now I bet you think I was one of those strange boys who wanted a girl’s hand in marriage without knowing anything about her. A lost cause of raging hormones who would at the drop of a hat give anything and everything that he possessed to spend the rest of his life with someone. Perhaps even to the point where it would be considered unhealthy and even stalking. Fortunately for both of us, I was no such person. I understood things at that age, and about her, that transcended the boundaries most high school teens love by.

I knew I couldn’t say I loved her yet, but the feeling was there. It was there as a force that existed only within me, constantly testing my patience, maturity, and willpower. I don’t know what type of childhood led me to love this way, but I was happy with it. She was not one of the most gorgeous girls of the school, but admittedly it was her face which struck me when I first saw her. From being in class with her, something else began to form inside of my heart. Save the illusion that I spied on her whenever given the chance. I was no more a spy than Romeo a maniac. From seeing her every day, even if only in that one class we had together, I caught a glimpse of something else. It was an inner beauty that I saw lying underneath what was on the outside. I didn’t know how it was there, or what true treasures lay hidden, but I was certain it was there. I sensed it every day of the semester.

My intentions for “that girl” were not as typical as you may think. I did not want to have sex with her, I did not want to marry her, and I did not want to give up everything I had for her at the drop of a hat. I understood that the connection I had with her was still only within my heart and my mind. Anything within the realm of possibility was still up in the air for scrupulous examination. For most normal people, they feel a connection and go with it. Most normal guys would have already talked to her by now. Sadly, the only thing I could let myself do was follow my heart, and it told me to stay quiet at that time. I was afraid of scaring her away. I at times allowed my imagination to get the better of me. Regrettably so, since the imagination is an incredibly powerful and manipulative tool to the self. When the imagination asks “what if”, we carry out a scenario. Such scenarios are only fantasy, make-believe, and often never come true. For this reason I tried to keep my imagination to a minimum, even though it was extremely difficult.

When our last semester as seniors together ended, my heart ached in a horrible fashion. I thought that I would be losing the opportunity I had waited for all these years. Graduation came and went, and I thought I would never see her again. Something inside of me tried to reassure me, but the sorrow that accompanies a lonely heart is overpowering to any force. Gradually I let myself slip in to despair, but never allowed it to visibly show to anyone. My plans were to go to a local college for two years and then transfer to a larger university. I wondered if I’d meet a girl at either place that made me feel the same way I did about “that girl”. A part of me hoped that I would, and a part of me swore that I wouldn’t. Emotionally torn, I struggled through my first two years of college. Heading in to my third year of college my expectations had lowered significantly. I now had no plans to go out of my way to love anyone else, since the heartbreak that accompanied it was far too stressful.

I was living in an apartment off of campus, and was preparing for my first week of classes for fall semester. The week was winding its way down, and I felt the ever-intimidating presence of loneliness begin to creep up on me. I suppose it is a bit like seeing a policeman walking up to your front door after hearing your child has been in an automobile accident. You know what he is going to say, and you know that it will ruin your life, so you just pray to God that he stops. You pray that he is at the wrong house, or that he has made some other kind of mistake. The policeman was very near ringing my doorbell on Thursday afternoon, when suddenly he disappeared. I am not a very strong believer of fate or religion, and I like to think that things happen just because. There never has to be a reason that things happen, they just do. For this reason I was shocked when I entered my last class of the week and found her sitting in the front row.

Determined that the timing of our encounter was much more suitable than it was in high school, I decided to see what would happen. I sat down next to her and introduced myself. I was wringing my heart dry, trying to play it cool, and preparing myself for the biggest rejection of my life – all at once. I remember her exact words to this day, “Hey. Oh, hey, didn’t you go to my high school? Didn’t we have a class together or something? You look really familiar.” Over two years of torment and waiting were over, and I was finally confronting her. I’m not extremely smooth with women, and most the time I’m too nervous to know what to say. Yet finally getting the chance to talk to her opened a pathway inside of me. I wasn’t nervous, sweating, or anything which would have shown how I truly felt. We saw each other each Thursday for a few weeks until finally she asked me if I wanted to hang out with her at her apartment on Saturday. I, of course, said yes.

Neither one of us were very big party animals. We were both relatively quiet individuals, and so we did relatively quiet things. Most people would consider them boring things like playing Scrabble or reading books together. She and I found them to be very fun, though. One day I bought a puzzle for us to work on whenever we had free time. It was a huge puzzle which would take us a couple of months to finish. The only rule I had was that I made her promise to do it with me upside down, since it was more challenging that way. We laid the puzzle out and started it on a space next to her couch. We didn’t even get 1/15th of the way done on the first night. We would work on it silently and diligently, weekend after weekend. It was a little over a month after I had initially seen her in class that she shared something with me.

She had been writing a story online for a couple of months now, and wanted to know what I thought of it. It still wasn’t done, but she updated it every few days or so with another chapter. When I checked it, I saw how hundreds of people had left their comments about the story. Everyone loved it. I started reading from the very beginning and was already up to the most current chapter in only a matter of hours. The story was about the struggling love between two people who had known each other since high school. A part of me felt like she was telling our story, but since she had started writing it before we even met each other again I knew that couldn’t be. I could tell the story was about to reach a conclusion, since the two lovers were becoming more and more serious with each sentence. I wondered if they would end up breaking up and parting, or if they would live happily ever after. I checked her online story every day from that day forward.

Over the following months we studied for our class together, went out to movies together, and often times talked on the phone. What was once originally an enjoyable friendship, was soon becoming something much more. I had no idea where this emotional roller coaster was taking me. The feelings that I had were only slightly different than from when I was in high school. Back then it was always something that I longed for, but now it was something that I was making come true. My fundamental reasoning and emotions were the same, though. I loved her much in the same way I had over two years ago, and still sensed the exact same connection every time I was with her. This made me slightly relieved, since I was beginning to wonder if I was just a strange boy in high school after all. It turns out following my heart was the correct thing to do in the end.

The semester was coming to a close, but she and I still spent as much time as possible together. When we weren’t out and about we were still working on the puzzle, which was now down to only about two hundred pieces. While we sat continuing to solve it, I asked her why she had stopped writing her story. Honestly a part of me was worried, since I had previously taken her story as the development of our current ongoing relationship. If she suddenly stopped writing it, perhaps that meant she no longer wanted to be with me. She said that with final exams coming up she hadn’t had much time to write, and that it might take until Christmas break to finish it. I leaned over to kiss her, and we spent the rest of the night in each other’s arms. We ended up falling asleep together on the couch, and by the time we woke up it was already eleven. Both of us rushed to make it to our classes, leaving the puzzle still unfinished on the floor.

The final week of school was the hardest there ever was for either of us. We both had four final exams to study for, and they were each on a different day of that week. On Friday afternoon I waited outside of her last class to greet her and congratulate her on completing her last final. She was wearing possibly the biggest smile I had ever seen her with when she came out of the classroom. I asked her if she was really that happy to be done with school for a month, and she said, “No, I’m just happy to see you.”

I spent the night at her house that night, and tried to the best of my ability to make a romantic meal for her. There was candlelight on a small table-for-two, with a bouquet of roses serving as a centerpiece. In that moment we held each other’s hands and looked in to each other’s eyes. We never had been much for talking, and in this moment neither of us had to. To this day that moment remains the highlight of my entire life. After eating and cleaning up afterwards, we cozied down on her couch. I was leaving the next day to go home for the holidays, so I had to eventually go back to my own place to pack my clothes among many other things. I was just getting up off the couch and she begged me to stay just another hour, since she wasn’t tired yet. “Tell you what”, I said. “Since we’re both leaving tomorrow, why don’t you go ahead and finish the puzzle?” She seemed unenthusiastic about it, most likely because it was something we had done together and she wanted to finish it together. She sighed and kissed me goodbye and told me to drive safely. Driving home I felt the spirit of December and the spirit of love wash over my car. The waiting was definitely worth it if I had more of this to look forward to.

Back at my place I began packing. It took several hours to finally get everything together, and I was quite exhausted when I was finally done. Before heading to bed I logged on to check my e-mail. Just next to the e-mail Bookmark Tab on my browser was her website, and curious as I always am, I clicked it to see if she had finished the story yet. I no longer thought that it was really about us, since I was really the only one who had feelings for the other in high school. I knew she didn’t really feel that connection then, so I tried to suppress my imagination once again as best I could.

In her story the man and woman were getting along incredibly well, and their feelings for one another were at an all time high. I was rooting for their relationship to be a healthy and successful one, and secretly hoped that the man would propose to her before she ended the story for good. To my surprise, when I visited her site I saw that she had added her latest chapter, entitled: “Final Chapter”. My heart began to beat intensely as I began devouring her words. The more I read, the more my heart pumped. I was finally realizing so many things while reading her story. There was so much that I hadn’t understood, and until then I thought that I never would. After reading over fifty-five chapters of her original story, I finally reached the last paragraph of it all:

And then he took her hand, and guided the last piece of the puzzle to its final destination. After working with her for months, they had finally completed it. At first she didn’t know what to think. She thought that the man was probably very proud that they had been able to complete it, and happy that they had done it together. The man kissed her goodnight and told her that he’d see her sometime the next afternoon. Just before she went to bed, she walked over to the puzzle and reached down to break it before putting the pieces back in to the box. Instead of breaking it, though, she lifted it with both hands very carefully, and flipped it over. On the other side was a woman in a white wedding dress standing at an altar, with a man in his tuxedo bending down on one knee with a wedding ring in his outstretched hand. The woman had one hand held up to her face to wipe away tears of joy. In the background white doves were flying overhead, and she swore she could hear the church bells that were painted so eloquently above the podium. She began to cry harder than she ever had in her life. Her dreams - her silly fantasies – were all coming true. She never thought that she would be alive to live such a day where she was this happy, and her heart overflowed with affection. She picked up her phone, and called her lover back, who upon answering asked, “Will you marry me?” One last final sob worked its way out from deep within her chest, before she managed to say, “Yes. Of course I will.”

My heart barely had time to react, before my phone began to ring.

Subculture

Had to write this an hour or so at a time after work each night, so it isn't as cohesive as I'd like it to be. I'm still not really pleased with it, but decided to post it anyway since I haven't put anything up in three days.

Looking back on my high school days there’s countless things that I wish I could change. Unlike most people, who would choose not to date a certain person, or not wear a certain outfit to a school dance, there are things which I did in high school that most people will never know. I’m trying to get my life back in order now, but I find that it is getting more and more difficult with each passing day. The impact that the people around me had made was so large that I find it hard to feel remorse for the things that I did. I still don’t regret that I did them because it made others unhappy. I only regret that I did them because it makes me unhappy in the present to think about them. I know that I can’t escape the memories, so it’s no use running away from them. I am still searching for answers, and I am still not entirely sure that they exist.

---

Ten Years Ago

I was only about fourteen or fifteen and just starting fall semester when I began seeking a real identity. I wasn’t sure what or who I wanted to be. I wasn’t athletic, so I couldn’t join the jock crowd. I wasn’t especially good-looking, so I couldn’t join the popular crowd (which was mostly jocks anyway). I wasn’t smart, so I couldn’t be a geek. I fluttered around that “normal” level for a couple of months, when one day at school some kids came up to me at lunch to comment on my t-shirt. It was actually one of my older brother’s t-shirts that I grabbed since most of my own ones that I liked were dirty. I usually never ate with anyone, or at least on that day I wasn’t. There were a couple of kids in my fourth period class that I talked with who would ask me to sit with them, and if I was feeling up for it I’d go over and hang out with them.

I didn’t know who the kids were until I looked up. All I heard was “Hey, cool shirt”, before I managed to identify the intruders of my privacy. Before I even made it to their faces I could tell who I was dealing with. Big black boots, enormously baggy black pants, and all kinds of jewelry on their wrist to match their belts which could second as a melee weapon in the movie Gladiator. The group had a different name depending on who you asked. Some called them “The Goths”, some called them “Outsiders”, others called them “Fuckin’ Freaks”, and several just opted to call them “Them”. I honestly never really thought about it. At first I was a little scared to be approached by them, and I even thought about running for it. I didn’t know if they were going to beat me up, or pull some prank, or what. My eyes finally reached their faces – two guys and two girls – each sporting an out-of-the-ordinary hair style. One of the boys had his hair braided in to strands which stuck up over his head. The other had a very short buzz cut with something carved in to the back. One of the girls had pitch black hair which was pulled back and hung down to her back. The other had bubble-gum pink hair which was short and tied in to pigtails. I didn’t manage to say anything, but I did think for a split second that the girl with the pink hair was kind of cute.

“I said nice shirt”, one of the guys said again. I said thanks, and was about to say that it was my brother’s, but then I thought better of it. It wouldn’t be good to piss off the only people who had ever taken the time to talk to me. They asked me if the concert was any good, but I didn’t know what they were talking about. Then I remembered that my brother had gotten the shirt at a concert, and it was evident by the dates on the back and the name of our city on the front. I found lying to them was easier the second time and I said it was okay. They started talking amongst themselves, and I figured that they’d just walk away and go terrorize some other kid in the courtyard.
To my astonishment they sat down on the steps next to me and started talking about all sorts of stuff. Soon I felt like an intruder upon their privacy. With my trim haircut, well-fitting blue jeans, and New Balance sneakers, I felt like Mr. Rogers at a rave party. During one of the gaps in their chatter one of them asked me what my name was. I told them that I was Billy Fletcher, and then felt like an idiot for saying my last name (this wasn’t a damn classroom after all). The guy with the buzz cut kind of chuckled and said, “Name’s Row. He’s Patsy, short for Patrick, ‘though we just call him Patsy to piss him off.” He laughed again. “She’s Rozey (he nodded to the girl with black hair), and she’s Lindsey, or Zee for short. We seen you out here a few times. Didn’t know people like you listened to music like that”, he said as he motioned to my shirt. I could’ve told them the truth, and said that the shirt wasn’t mine, and that I had actually never even heard any of their music, but the company was somewhat pleasant. It sure beat the hell out of eating alone, anyway. I managed to talk my way through the rest of the lunch period. I figured they saw through my pathetic attempt at acting like one of them, but was surprised when they said they’d see me tomorrow at the same spot. The four of them walked off towards the cafeteria. I thought I had seen the last of them, but I was horrifically wrong.

When I got home from school my mom was passed out on the couch. On the small end table next to her were more than just a couple bottle of alcohol. I took a quick glance at her and sighed, and then headed upstairs. I took another one of my older brother’s concert shirts to wear the next day. I also laid out the baggiest pair of pants that I had. They were dark-colored blue jeans, but it was better than what I was wearing the other day. I wanted to look more like them because I felt it’d help me feel a part of their group. Up until now I really hadn’t been approached by anyone, and wasn’t about to blow a golden opportunity. Sure enough the four of them came outside the next day and sat down next to me just as I was finishing my lunch. They started talking about all kinds of bands I had never heard of, and then went on to complain about their classes. The boy named Patsy was saying how he’d like to kill his Biology teacher (I could relate, that subject was so frustrating), and Rozey was saying how her parents were having another fight the previous night. Row said his parents were just the same, and Zee chipped in about her’s too. “What about you, Billy”, Row had asked me. “Your parents ever argue, or they perfect like everyone else’s?”
I had planned to be ready and on my feet today with lying. I had even thought of some things they might ask me that I could lie about. Unfortunately, or in this case a twisted sort of fortune for me, my parents were very similar to theirs. “Yea”, I started out, “My parents don’t really argue, but that’s ‘cause my dad don’t live with us no more. Cheated on my mom and they got a divorce. Only see him once a month, but I don’t think he really cares. Mom doesn’t really pay much attention to me, so I can kind of just do my own thing.” I had hoped that by saying I was independent I would impress them a little, and sure enough it did. “I can dig that”, Patsy said. “Well, if you can do your own thing, how about hanging out with us some time? We’re going to the mall this Friday, you down?” For the first time in high school someone was asking me to go hang out. Row looked back towards the cafeteria, Patsy was looking down at the ground at my feet, and Rozey was staring off in to the sky somewhere. Zee was staring at me, as if she was hoping I’d say yes. I said sure, and she looked away towards Rozey, with a small trace of a smile on her face. “Alright”, Patsy said. “I’ll get your number then and call you Friday about it.” I was excited, nervous, and anxious to go out with them. Sure they seemed a little scary when I had first seen them, but they didn’t seem like all that bad of a bunch of kids. At least I might be able to call them my friends.

When I got home I almost thought to ask my mom for permission, but remembered that she was probably too drunk to answer, and wouldn’t care either way. I took out the money I had been saving for a new personal computer, and stuffed it in to my wallet. I planned on picking up some better clothes than what I had; something that would help me fit in with the others better. Their rebellious attitude was starting to rub off on me. The past few years I’ve lived in a dysfunctional family with a father who doesn’t care about me and a mother who’s too drunk to try. I just kind of accepted it as the way my family was meant to be, but never really got angry about it. I was beginning to hate those people whose lives were perfect, because everyone should have that. I should have that. I was still nervous about going out with them, since they were still a little intimidating to me. I still hadn’t gotten to know any of them really well, but was eager if they gave me the chance.
The school day on Friday came and went, and at lunch they told me to meet them in the parking lot after school. My final class seemed about four periods long, but when the bell finally rang I was incredibly anxious. I went out to the parking lot and found Row waving me over to an old Honda Accord. “It’s my brother’s”, he said. “But he won’t wake up for another couple hours.” Row got in the driver’s seat, and Rozey was in the passenger’s side. I got in the back and was sitting next to Zee, who was in the middle in between Patsy and me. It was crowded, and hotter than it should’ve been for some reason. Or maybe it was just me. Either way, we all started talking as Row pulled the car out of the parking lot and headed towards the mall.

There are only a couple of stores in the mall that sell the kinds of clothes that the gang wore, and I wasn’t surprised when we headed straight for them first. I started eyeing some clothes and asked Zee what she thought of them. She beckoned Patsy over, who said “Yea, yea, those look pretty good. How much are they?” “49.99”, I said. “Yea fuck that”, he said. I started to hang them back up, but he grabbed them from my hands. “Lemme go try ‘em on real quick… these shirts too”, he said, and headed back towards the fitting room, winking at Zee. She smiled and called for Row and Rozey. “What’s up”, they asked. “Patsy’s gone to ‘try on’ some shirts and a pair of pants, so be ready.” They nodded, and it seemed that everyone knew something I didn’t. I had the money, and fifty dollars seemed pretty reasonable for a pair of pants, but I guess maybe Patsy wanted to try them on because he liked them too. After a couple minutes of browsing Patsy came back out, but didn’t have any of the clothes. Thinking he forgot them in the fitting room, I started to walk towards him and said “Hey Pat—”, but he stuck his elbow in my stomach and said, “Just keep walking”. We left the store, and looking back I still can’t believe my naiveté. I still didn’t know what was going on, and when Row said, “So ya’ll hungry? Let’s go get something to eat”, I forgot about the clothes and followed them.
Patsy had me follow him in to the men’s restroom in the food court, where he started to undress. Underneath his jacket were the three shirts, with holes where each of the security clips had been clamped down. Underneath his extremely baggy pants were the 49.99 jeans I had seen, with a similar hole in one of the back pockets. “Thank me later”, he said, and ran back out to join the others. I stood in the bathroom in front of the pile of clothes and my head started spinning. My stomach was getting tighter by the second and I felt like throwing up. This was the first step. I didn’t know what I had gotten myself in to, but if I was going to hang with these guys, I had to do things like this. I thought about what the right thing to do was. I thought about people I had looked up to in life. At one time I may have recalled a happy memory of my father telling me that stealing was wrong, but instead a different one popped up in my head. I was running upstairs after playing basketball outside. I was only about nine or ten, and was going to tell my father I hit ten free throws in a row. When I rounded the corner at the top of the steps, I heard him talking on the phone. He was in mid-sentence when I heard him: “know how it is man. Some days I just hate coming home from work. I think to myself – Christ – I’d almost rather be in the office then come home to my miserable wife and these kids. They are just a vacuum on the money I make, money that could buy me a younger wife”, and then he laughed. “Thanks dad”, I thought to myself then and there. I put all the clothes on underneath the ones I already had, and walked out to meet the others.

We all got something to eat (which beat the hell out of cooking for my mom) when Row asked me a question. “How much money you bring anyway”, he asked. “Couple hundred”, I said. “No shit? It all yours”, Patsy asked. I said it was, and they all stared at one another. I could tell they were all thinking the same thing, and so I felt left out since I was still clueless. They were all smiling and then they looked back at me. “Wanna have some fun with that money”, Row asked me. “Uh, sure, whatever you guys wanna do”, I said. “Alright, just give me about fifty bucks and we’ll fill you in later”, he said. I gave him fifty without thinking twice. I honestly would’ve done pretty much anything they asked me to at that point. I knew deep down that that meant I might be getting used, but it really didn’t feel like it at all. Especially not when they dropped me off. They drove to Rozey’s house first and dropped her off. Row was headed to Zee’s house and when he got there I was getting ready to get out of the car to let her out. “That’s okay”, she said, and started to climb over me and unlock the door to open it. She was just about halfway out when something happened that I still think about to this day. For no apparently or seemingly plausible reason she grabbed my crotch with one hand, making it appear like she lost her balance. She then smiled and jolted out of the car. “Bye”, she said, and then she began walking up to her house. Row started to drive again, and I started to breathe. I didn’t ask either of them what the hell that was all about, and was silent the rest of the way home. Little did I know then that if I had looked over at Patsy, I would have most likely seen him scowling.

I went to my room and listened on the new music I had just got (which unsurprisingly I didn’t have to pay for) for the rest of the night. I was just getting ready for bed when I got a text message from Zee, which said “HAD FUN 2DAY, C U N SKOOL”. I sent her one back, trying not to sound like the ignorant fool I probably was, “THX, WAS FUN, C U 2MR”. Despite the fact that I felt like I had a group that I belonged to now, I was still slightly afraid. I was afraid of what people would think when I showed up to school in the clothes that I had “acquired” from the mall. Would people think I was a “Goth”, or “Freak”, too? Was I? I mean, if I hung out with the guys, would it make me one of them? Would I be a part of their group too? Would that become my identity? Would that become who “I” am? I didn’t really like to think about that kind of stuff too much. I just laid out my clothes for the next day and went to sleep with a mixture of surprise, guilt, and nervousness.

The next day at school I could feel kids staring at me from behind my back. The entire day I felt like I was being ridiculed behind the guise of whispers and head nodding. A part of me wanted to change out of the clothes and blend back in with the rest of the mediocre crowd. A separate part of me enjoyed all the attention, and was finally glad that people were noticing me, even if it was because of what I was wearing. At least with my new look and my new attitude I had a group of friends to be with, instead of being normal and all alone. At lunch time Row complained some more about his English teacher Ms. Henson. I had her too, but during a different period of the day. Truthfully I thought she was a pretty nice teacher, but apparently Row was failing, and knew it was because the teacher simply didn’t like him. We were just chilling out and Patsy remembered the fifty dollars I loaned him. He said that he got his older brother to buy some beer with it, along with cheap concert tickets to some band that was playing over the weekend at some small club downtown.
I had become a well-enough part of the group by now that I knew that meant I’d be going with them to the concert, and that after we’d be going to someone’s house to drink. Halfway through lunch Zee came over to sit on my lap, and I put my arms around her like she was my close sister. I didn’t even really think about doing it. Back then I didn’t really think about much of anything at all. I just did what I felt like doing, or said what I felt like saying. I was thinking more about what worked out for me, and not so much for other people. After all, we live our lives for ourselves right? Why waste it for other people if they won’t do the same for you? This is just a tidbit of the insight that our group talked about when we got together. The last bell of the day rang and since we were getting together on Friday for the concert, I decided to just lie low at my house for a few days. I’d find out how bad of a move that was on my part only a few minutes later.

I was barely in the door when my mother was already talking much more loudly than was necessary. “So look who has decided to ruin his life”, she bellowed. I gave her one of those “What the hell” looks, and went up to my room. When I was called down for dinner I ignored her, but she wouldn’t stop screaming and her voice was getting on my nerves. My brother had helped her make dinner that night, and we all sat around the table which was strewn with old bills and all sorts of other crap. Then out of nowhere my brother (who is a senior at the same school I go to) starts lecturing me about my friends. He tells me they aren’t the kind of people I should associate with, blah fucking blah, you probably can guess the rest. My mom said he agreed with him, but I told her she’s usually too drunk to even sit and eat dinner with us before storming up to my room. My brother went up to my room and started talking outside my door, since I had locked it when I came up earlier. He was trying to tell me how I could feel like a part of a group without having to do things that I thought were wrong, but I turned my music up so I couldn’t hear him.
Unfortunately, I also missed a call from Zee because it was so loud. I didn’t notice until well past midnight, but I decided to give it a shot and call her back anyway. Turns out she was still up too, hoping that I’d call her back. We talked about the concert and other random stuff. Pretty much I just let her start talking about something and then I’d put my two cents in, usually in some form of agreement with her. Before long it was getting really late and since the concert was the next day I decided to go to bed. I told her good night, and mentally prepared myself for whatever surprises this downtown night club had in store for me.

After school on Friday Row drove us all back to his house where we hung out for a while. Patsy’s brother had already bought the beer, but they had all planned to party after the concert. I just kind of stayed low-profile the entire night until we got to the nightclub where the concert was taking place. I hadn’t ever heard of the band before – it was some type of horrorcore like ICP, but they turned out okay. When we rolled in to the parking lot I felt like I was in some kind of Miami Vice movie. People were snorting coke and others had huge blunts and cigars in their hands. Most the people inside were drinking alcohol, and when I went to the restroom I found people in the stalls pumping needles in to their arms. This whole subculture here felt so odd and out of place to me, but since I didn’t have to partake in any of it, I just let it slide. These were just people trying to forget how pathetically dull and boring their mundane everyday lives were. Who was I to judge them? I couldn’t really tell who was who or what was going on during the concert.
The strobe lights made it hard to see who was around me, but that also made me feel a little more comfortable. At least if I looked like an idiot no one would be able to realize it. I saw Row and Rozey dancing (though I guess it could be described more as a thrashing) together, or at least it looked like them. Just next to them I saw Zee’s unmistakable pink hair. She was moving her head around like she was looking for someone, but this other guy was with her. From a distance it looked like Patsy but I got thrown in to a mosh pit before I could get a good look. Having never been to a concert like this before, I also had never experienced a mosh pit. Just when I thought I was going to be crushed and killed someone grabbed my arm and pulled me out. It was Zee, and I told her thanks for saving my life. She just kind of laughed it off and we started moving through the crowd to find the others. The place was finally starting to get to me, and even if we left to go somewhere else with a bunch of alcohol I would’ve been glad. The people there were all on something (and I learned later that night Patsy and Rozey were too) and something just didn’t feel right.

Row drove us back to his place where the beer now was, and they all started drinking. I didn’t think twice about drinking, since it was a given that I would have to. I couldn’t really say no, since first of all it was my money that bought it, and secondly I wanted to do whatever it was my friends were doing. After we were all sufficiently drunk Row’s brother offered to drive us all home. He hadn’t been drinking much (at least I didn’t think he had been) so I went ahead and said it was okay. It wasn’t like I was going to call my mom or brother to come get me. Rozey stayed behind at Row’s house, since she only lives a couple minutes away and was already passed out. Patsy sat in the passenger’s side and Zee sat in the back next to me. Well, it –was- next to me for a few minutes, but she scooted over and sat more or less on top of me. Since I was drunk I’m still not one hundred percent sure of what happened, but I know that she started kissing me, and I think we started making out. It felt weird being drunk and doing things that I had only thought of doing while I was sober. In actuality I felt a bit more alive, and I was shocked that Zee was being so forward. I could tell for a while now that she liked me, and I thought she was pretty cool too, but I never thought things would get moving this fast. I guess that’s the kind of effect alcohol can have on you. After I got dropped off I headed to my room and fell asleep to the sound of birds beginning to chirp outside of my window.

The next day at lunch Rozey caught me before we all joined up at our usual spot to talk to me. She told me that I better play it cool, since Patsy was pissed off about something that happened the other night. Row saw us talking and came over, too. He said Patsy had called him the other night really pissed off about what was happening between me and Zee. I never knew Patsy was jealous, or that he even liked Zee. To this day I think that he never really did like her, he just didn’t want to see me with her, for whatever reason. I could play it cool, but Zee was just as aggressive as she ever was. Unless they told her to stop, I wasn’t going to refuse anything she did or said. Who was I to tell her who to like? If Patsy had a problem between me and Zee then he had to talk to one of us about it or learn to deal with it. Zee didn’t stop smothering me at lunch, and I could tell Patsy was pissed off about it. He would hardly say anything and just sat there with a scowl on his face. I didn’t really care since I was riding high at this point, and enjoying every minute of it. My hair was starting to grow out pretty long, since I hadn’t gotten it cut in quite a while. People started staring at me more in the hall, but I didn’t care.
We went back to the mall a few more times and this time I got my own clothes. My brother kept harping at me but I ignored him the best I could. My mom continued her usual drunken stupor. Things went on this way for quite a few weeks, with the tension between Patsy and me building. Row and Rozey seemed neutral, and Zee never gave me a minute to breathe. I thought things could stay this way throughout high school and I could be happy. Those days were immensely different than what I once thought I’d be experiencing in high school, but they were my days. They were who I was. I thought I had finally found a place for me.

It was about halfway between spring break and the end of the semester when things started to change. One day at lunch Row told us that Ms. Henson was the biggest bitch in the school. He went on to complain how she kept sending him to the office and getting him in-school suspension. I could tell that it wasn’t the same as a few weeks ago, and that now he was livid. Patsy spoke up and said that we should do something about it. Rozey said that you couldn’t really fuck with the school and get away with it, and Row nodded in agreement. “Oh no”, Patsy started to say, “We won’t do nothing at school.” He said that he had a plan, but that he’d tell us later after he had it all worked out. A couple of days later, his “master plan” was revealed. Since Patsy had been hearing all semester from Row how big of a bitch this Ms. Henson person was, he decided that we should take actions in to our own hands. He said life had never been fair to us, giving us deadbeat parents and a school filled with idiots. He said that we had to do things for ourselves, and that was the only way things would go right. If someone was being an asshole in real life it was up to someone to set them straight. His plan to set Ms. Henson straight was anything but expected. I thought that he’d suggest rolling her house, or pulling some practical prank on her outside of school. His idea, though, was to go during school hours and kidnap her precious Twinkles (her beloved pet cat that she had pictures of all over her classroom). He said there was more, but that we’d know about it when the time was right. I wanted to argue with Patsy then and there, and stand up and object. I knew Ms. Henson had never really done anything wrong to anyone. I thought she was a pretty decent person. I didn’t let on that I thought so, but deep down I knew it. Ultimately I was just passively silent and the others took it as an acceptance of Patsy’s plan.

I spent the rest of the school day thinking about the “prank” we were going to pull on Ms. Henson. When I got home I plopped myself on my bed and thought about it some more. Internally I was having a struggle. Part of me wanted to go through with it so I didn’t disappoint the guys, and the other part of me knew that doing it was really wrong. It was true that hanging with the guys had made me more prone to doing things which weren’t exactly “good”, but with something like this I thought Patsy was taking it too far. I decided to call Zee and see what she thought about all of it. She picked up and told me that she really didn’t think it was going to be that big of a deal. She said Patsy had been pulling pranks on people his entire life, and he wouldn’t do anything too serious. She said she was sure the cat wouldn’t be harmed, and it was just to scare Ms. Henson. When I pressed my doubts upon her further she asked if I wanted to come over and talk to her in person about them. It wasn’t the first time I’d been over to Zee’s house, so I wasn’t particularly nervous.
I took my mom’s car (which she hardly ever used anyways nowadays) and drove over to her house (I only had my learner’s permit, but didn’t think twice about driving without a real license). It turned out that her parents were gone, so the place was kind of quiet. I sat on the couch in the living room and started telling Zee that I thought this plan was a bad idea. I told her that I didn’t want to join in on it, but that I was afraid the others wouldn’t want to hang out with me anymore if I didn’t. She sat down next to me and took hold of my hand. “Don’t worry”, she said, “Patsy ain’t gonna do anything stupid like that. I promise.” She started to kiss my neck and her other hand was going all over. Before I knew it she was on top of me and in her underwear. I’m not going to describe any further, since you could probably guess the rest. I woke up and it was dark outside. At first I didn’t know where I was, but Zee was lying on top of me and that quickly made me remember. I looked at my cell phone and saw that it was close to three in the morning. I got all my stuff and drove back home, leaving Zee to sleep on the couch. Tomorrow after school we were going to prank Ms. Henson, and I would be there for Zee at the very least.

Patsy’s plan was to kidnap Ms. Henson’s cat which runs around freely outside in her back yard. Then he planned to keep it in what looked like a potato sack. When Ms. Henson got home from school, I was going to run up to the house and ring the doorbell (I’d be wearing one of those Halloween masks like in the movie Scream). Patsy would have the car in her cul-de-sac and pointed towards the street. After I rang the doorbell he was going to throw the bag in the middle of the cul-de-sac and I’d run and jump in the car. He thought that at the very least it would terrify Ms. Henson when she found her precious cat all kicking and scratching around inside of a potato sack that was sewn shut. I was sitting in the car as he went over the plan again, and I was shaking pretty bad. I told Patsy that I’d rather Row ring the doorbell, but he said Row had to be lookout for people passing by. I would have a mask, but Patsy, Row, Rozey, and Zee wouldn’t. We were circling around Ms. Henson’s neighborhood until finally she pulled in to her driveway and headed indoors. I had to be pretty quick about going to ring the doorbell, since she would undoubtedly go looking for her Twinkles as soon as she was home. Just after she went through the front door, my heart stopped beating and my stomach did a back flip. It was do or die time. I put on the mask and ran up to her front porch steps. I was shaking and sweating really bad, and inside the mask the sweat was starting to get in to my eyes. I had to ring the doorbell fast though, I had to. I had to show them all that I could be a good friend. I couldn’t go back to eating alone again. I had to remain a part of this group. With those thoughts I looked back to Patsy, who I could see through the passenger’s-side window. He gave me the thumbs up, and I rang the doorbell. The car was about a 15 second sprint away, and I started to book it. I saw the potato sack hit the ground with a thud. I could tell the cat was still inside because I saw it kicking and clawing. “Good”, I thought to myself, “At least he didn’t harm it.” I heard Ms. Henson open the door behind me and yell, “Who’s there”, followed by, “Hey! What are you doing!?” I was a third of the way to the car, and could feel my heart already beginning to pump faster. Then three things filled my mind which to this day I can’t seem to erase.
The smell of gasoline, the sight of fire, and the sound of Patsy’s tires screeching as he pulled away and gunned it out of sight. I could hear a scream coming from inside the car, and I could only guess it was Zee’s. I was halfway to where Patsy’s car –used- to be, and heard Ms. Henson behind me, screaming in terror. The potato sack was now scorching with flames that would’ve reached up to my waist. I didn’t know what to think at that point, but I knew one thing for sure. Twinkles had definitely been burned alive. My legs kept running. I wanted to stop and try to put out the fire, but I knew it wouldn’t have been any use. Ms. Henson knew my friends and I would have gotten us all in trouble had I stopped. So I kept running. I found some woods behind a house about a quarter-mile down the road and even after I hit them, I just kept on running.

I called Zee and said vehemently, “What the fuck was that all about.” To my surprise, it was not Zee, but Patsy who answered the phone. “This is what happens, when you fuck around with my friends”, he said. “Don’t ever fuck around with us, okay? You had your fucking fun, but don’t think for a second that I’m going to let you just click in just like that. This ain’t no fucking game, this ain’t no fucking popular crowd. This is the real fucking deal my friend. This is real life shit”, and then he hung up. My heart was still racing, and my head was pounding. I was lost in the woods with no sense of direction, and soon the police would be in the neighborhood at Ms. Henson’s request. Suddenly remorse and sorrow for Ms. Henson hit me like a thousand tons of bricks. I felt so sorry for a woman who was only living her life and trying to enjoy it. The one thing that probably brought her joy at the end of a long day had just been killed. Was this justification? Was this truly absolution for making Row a little bit mad in class one day? I figured Zee didn’t know about it, since I heard her screaming in the car as Patsy peeled out. Row probably knew, which is why he didn’t opt to ring the doorbell. Rozey might not have known, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she did.
As I sat in the woods with my cell phone in my hands and no one to call to rescue me, I thought my life was over. I could picture in my head the police dogs finding me, and having myself hauled in to jail. I kept on walking for what seemed like hours, and eventually I hit the highway. I heard the cars before I actually saw them, and simply walked towards the noise. It was then that I finally broke down. I even thought about dashing in front of one of the 75-mph moving vehicles, but remembered that there was still one person left on my cell phone I could call. Without knowing if he would even answer when he saw it was from me, I called my brother.

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Things were never really settled between me and the guys. They stopped coming over to sit with me, and I stopped wearing black clothes and even cut my hair. Zee caught me on AIM one night and we talked for several hours about what had happened that day. She sounded really sorry, but made it seem like she couldn’t express her feelings in front of the others. I knew that it meant they’d kick her out of their clique too if she did. The next day at school the principal made an announcement that if anyone had details as to an incident regarding Ms. Henson, that there were cash rewards being offered. I thought that Patsy would turn me in and end up getting paid to do it, but he kept his mouth shut. There was too much evidence I could’ve given them about how I was connected to them. Looking back I still remember the faces of people who were snorting coke at the concert, and people that were pumping needles in their arms in the bathroom stalls. I remember the smell of beer on Lindsey’s breath the countless number of times she’d kiss me at one of our parties. I can remember Row’s passiveness, Rozey’s ability to stay behind the scenes (perhaps she was the one pulling the strings all along), and Patsy’s constant scowling and sour attitude.
I stayed by myself the entire semester (since no one would come within a mile of me due to my recent reputation), and the following year I blended in with the normal kids again. Some of them even asked me why I was hanging out with the “Goth kids” last year. I could’ve told them that it was because I had finally found an identity, a person to be, and a reason to live. That would’ve been true. It was only recently I learned that one can be whatever one wishes to be, and that an identity is nothing more than what one sees oneself as. Just because my identity –is- something, doesn’t mean that it –has- to be that way. I obviously didn’t tell the people that asked me that any sort of answer like that, though. Instead I’d just look to the ground, where the smell of gasoline, the sound of screeching tires, and the sight of flickering flames came to mind, and then I’d say, “I’d really just kind of like to forget about them”, which is something that I am still struggling with to this day.

Third Period History

Rebecca Henderson was just about to fall to sleep in her cozy bed on a Friday night. The long school week was over, as was its drama. All things considered she felt rather fortunate as she stared through her window and in to the night sky filled with stars. Her fan was running on medium, and the breeze it created helped to soothe the stress that had overcome her recently. She let her eyes close ever so slowly and just as she felt sleep creeping up on her, it was too late, and she gave in to blissful nothingness.

Monday morning at 7:00AM Rebecca’s alarm was blaring loudly in to her right ear. She managed to locate it through her squinting eyes, and hit the snooze button abruptly. She hated Monday mornings. It was like seeing an entire baseball stadium and being told to clean off all the seats. Monday morning marked the beginning – the very beginning – of a school week. It wasn’t that she hated school, but rather that she hated class. Rebecca was a very hard worker, and always did her best to study and ask for help, but for some reason her grades were never excellent. She envied the smarter students who never had to study for anything, and secretly wished that she was able to do so as well. Her best friend Amy helped with the task of waking up on Monday morning. They had known each other for several years now, and whenever Rebecca broke down because of how hard her classes were, Amy was there to help her as best she could. Just thinking of Amy as her alarm went off ten minutes later, she was able to muster up the willpower to heave herself out of bed. It was going to be another long week filled with D’s, F’s, and hopefully at least a couple of C’s.

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Charlie Bruhn was now entering his twelfth straight hour of playing his favorite computer game. He had started ever since he woke up, and had only left his room to go to the bathroom and put Hot Pockets in the microwave. Redfall was one of the most popular online computer adventure games for kids in 2005, and since he purchased it in January of that year Charlie had already logged on over 250 real-life days playing the game. Charlie knew that meant that over half of this last year was spent sitting in a chair staring at a screen, but it was fun to him, so he didn’t care. His parents would try to object, but ultimately were quelled when Charlie said that he could be out drinking and smoking instead. This was Charlie’s ultimate defense – when in danger of having something taken away, present a worse alternative.

Charlie had a couple of high school friends, but not very many. Most of them were computer geeks like him who bragged about their characters during Computer Repair class at 9 in the morning. School hours for Charlie were just more hours that kept him away from his game. From the time he woke up to the time the final bell of the day rang all Charlie thought about was how much he hated school because it kept him away from his game. His grades were good enough to allow his parents to continue letting him play the game, but truthfully he never really tried hard in school. Charlie was definitely not a great-looking guy, but he managed to convince himself at some point during his sophomore year that he didn’t care. He didn’t take very good care of his face, so his acne was pretty bad, and he had gained a lot of weight by never taking time to get out and exercise. Somewhere deep down inside of himself, Charlie knew that he wanted to change his appearance, but if that meant giving up time from the game, he wasn’t willing to do it. He didn’t really need friends, since he had lots of friends in the game. They were people that played as much as he did, and people that thought he was a really cool guy. That was good enough for Charlie, at least for now.

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Rebecca’s least favorite day of the week started off horrendously. In her first period class, Math, she received the quiz that she took on Friday. She got a 56%. Honestly that was much better than she thought she had done, and overall better than the majority of her Math grades. She knew that a 56% wasn’t going to raise her grade to passing though, and thus began her sulking. She trudged to second period English, in which she was barely hanging on with a D, where she received an assignment from Ms. Indridge. Their first of two essay papers was to be due that Friday, which would account for about 15% of their overall grade. Rebecca knew that if she didn’t get a fairly decent grade on the paper, she would have to ace the second one, along with everything else, to have any hope of passing the class. Third period History wasn’t any better, for she learned that she had yet another project on the Holocaust due in four weeks. Of all her classes, History was her least favorite. She was relatively certain she could get a tutor for Math, and that her year-older brother could help her with writing English papers, but History was something she abhorred. She took solace in the fact that it was only an announcement, and that they wouldn’t actually start working on it for another two weeks. This gave her time to at least plan her inevitable failure.

At lunch Rebecca found Amy and told her all about how she hated Mondays. Amy told her that everything would eventually work out, and even shared a bit of good news with Rebecca. Amy told her that there was this guy in her second period Art class who she’s had a crush on forever, and that today he asked her out to a movie. Rebecca was very happy for Amy, but knew that later on that night she would spend time in her room wondering why boys never asked her to go to movies. Rebecca listened to Amy go on about how great of a guy he was until the lunch bell rang. Rebecca loved spending time with Amy, but hearing her talk about a love that she knew she had never known was a bit depressing. The second half of Rebecca’s day was not quite as overbearing as the first. She had gym (in which she actually had an “A”), Art (a “C”), Spanish (a “B”, thanks to her father’s bilingualism), and Biology (in which she had a borderline “B”, and of which was the only class that she found to be easy). When Rebecca finally got back home she ran up to her room, threw her bag next to her bed, and belly-flopped on her mattress. Mondays were so exhausting for her, and she was asleep in less than five minutes. She felt the stress of maintaining good grades finally catching up with her, and wondered how she would get through the next four days of school.

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Charlie woke up and saw that it was 7:55AM. School started at 8:15AM, so naturally he began to panic. Charlie was glad that he only lived about two minutes away from his school, which meant that he could wake up late like this and still make it on time. He regretted staying up until 3AM playing Redfall, but knew that he would be doing it again later that same night. Charlie slept through most of his first period class, and stumbled to his second. It wasn’t until lunch time a couple hours later that Charlie was actually fully awake. He was sitting outside by himself as he normally does, when he started to notice a certain pattern that his life takes. He never really enjoys anything in moderation, but rather becomes obsessed and addicted to things one at a time. He recalled that just a few years ago he used to spend all his free time playing basketball and baseball with his friends. Once they started drinking and smoking pot, he began reading books. He recalled one summer where he read over fifty books in just a few weeks. He’d lock himself up in his room and read by the window with his fan spinning endlessly overhead. He absorbed all of the fascination and allure that the books held, and soon wished to be a part of them. Something told him that it wasn’t healthy to wish to be a student at Hogwarts, or the bearer of a legendary ring, at least not in the sense of seriousness that he possessed. Then he began playing Redfall. He had always played videogames on and off during his life, but never had one taken him in as forcefully as this one. He forgot his friends (what little ones he had left) and neglected his family. Charlie snapped back to reality, and caught himself pondering over which obsession was going to overtake him next. Little did he know that he would have his answer by the end of the day.

Charlie was well in to his puberty years, and could sense his way of thinking changing already. He had begun to look at girls in a different way, although doing so only made him a bit more depressed, since he knew he could never manage to get a beautiful girl to go out with him. His recent criticisms of his looks most likely stemmed from the need to appear attractive to females. Charlie wanted to have more girl friends, or possibly a girlfriend. He never shared these thoughts with anyone else, but rather just contemplated them by himself at late hours of the night. On this particular day at school, Charlie seemed to take notice of all the couples at his high school. He noticed girls with guys practically leaning on them in front of their lockers, boyfriends and girlfriends sitting together at lunch holding hands, and others making out behind stairwells all over the school. It seemed that everywhere Charlie looked all he could see was other people in love. Well, Charlie knew it wasn’t love. Despite his poor appearance, and the fact that he had never been “in love”, Charlie knew much about love. He knew that most of these people were simply experiencing lustful tendencies. They were attached to the way a person looked, not to the way the person was. He was very mature in this aspect, but it did nothing to satiate his hunger for love. Before the final bell rang that day, and before Charlie was on his way home to Redfall, he had suddenly realized what his next obsession was going to be. He wanted to fall in love.

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Rebecca continued to worry about her grades well in to Tuesday. Her brother was too busy with his own work and friends to help her with her paper, and her father was on a business trip and unable to help her with Spanish homework. At some point in between going through all the various homework papers strewn about on her bed, a realization struck her. Unlike most realizations of the mind, this one felt like a bag of bricks being thrown at the side of her head. If she failed to get good grades, and didn’t manage to make at least passing in all of her subjects, she wouldn’t graduate. The thought of going through high school again – without Amy at that – was almost too much for her to bear. Feeling herself on the verge of a breakdown, she did the only thing she could think of – she called Amy on her cell phone. Then, for the first time in the years and years that she had known Amy, something happened for the very first time. Amy didn’t answer.

It was now approaching lunch time on Wednesday afternoon, and Rebecca was ready to go see what was up with Amy. She didn’t want to be mad with her from the get-go, since she could’ve been sick or in the hospital or something. Maybe something really awful happened, and she couldn’t answer now matter how much she wanted to. Giving Amy this benefit of the doubt, Rebecca headed in to the lunch room and sat at their usual table by the doors leading outside. Rebecca couldn’t tell what was going on, so she started looking around for Amy. She must have not made it to school today. Then did something bad really actually happen? Was Amy okay? Her stomach seemed to sink about a mile in to her intestines, which were twisting and turning like a roller coaster. If anything were to ever happen to Amy, she would be absolutely crushed. She even began to wonder if she’d be able to go on with her life if she didn’t have the support of Amy. Fearing the worst, Rebecca pulled her cell phone out of her purse and started to call Amy again. For a brief few seconds Rebecca’s heart stopped and pounded intensely within her chest. She could feel her ears throbbing, her brain in sync with them. Then, she heard the ringing of a phone on the opposite side of the cafeteria. She turned around as quickly as she could, and saw Amy sitting with the boy in her Art class. Rebecca hung up her phone, and Amy answered “Hello? Hello? They hung up…” Rebecca went through the rest of her school day with her head straight down and a scowl on her face. When she got home she went to bed immediately and was only awoken when her cell phone started to ring at about 7:30PM. She got up and walked over to her phone, where she saw: “Incoming Call – Amy”

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For the next couple of days Charlie downloaded movies with people in love, watched TV shows about people being in love, and looked up on the internet “how-to” steps on falling in love. He knew that things like that were ridiculous, but he wanted to do everything he could to get something that he desired more than anything else. After only a couple of movies and a few television shows, Charlie was already frustrated. Why is it these people could fall in love so easily? In only a few short hours these people got the love they wanted, and here he was suffering for days on end. He knew that to fall in love you have to make yourself available, and to be friendly. He also knew that by playing Redfall all day, he would never do that. Charlie had the important decision of whether he wanted to keep on playing the game that he was now addicted to, or to give himself a chance of possibly meeting someone special. The game was all that he had at this point in his life, and thinking of abandoning that was near impossible for him.

Soon Charlie’s boyhood fascination with the opposite sex became intensely more severe. After watching movie after movie where two people fall in love, make love, and live happily ever after, Charlie longed for love more than anything else in his entire life. His playtime hours on Redfall decreased dramatically, and some days he didn’t even play at all. He’d watch TV shows where beautiful teenage girls end up having relationships with other guys, and he’d feel envious towards fictional characters. Soon he started downloading pornography on his computer, mistaking the lustful images on the internet as some sort of love. He’d watch as people would be sitting and talking one minute, to having sex the next. Why wasn’t it this easy in real life? Why couldn’t he have sex with a girl from his school? Even if it was because of his looks, he always felt that there was something else there. Charlie would spend lonely nights on his personal computer downloading hours and hours of porn. One night he felt so ashamed after pleasuring himself for the umpteenth time, that he deleted all of it from his hard drive. He started to cry in his bed, wondering what kind of sick and twisted person he had become. It was so much better when he just played his videogame and was happy, but now he had become transformed in to some sex-deprived love-seeking maniac. He wished that he could just make friends and wait for his turn like everyone else, but his obsessive nature would not hear of it. He wanted love, and was willing to wait, but something much more powerful kept pushing him forward. It kept telling him that he needed it now, that he couldn’t wait a minute longer. It kept telling him that something was wrong with him if he couldn’t fall in love right now. Charlie became so upset that he finally decided to talk to someone. He logged on Redfall, eager to confide in to some of his best friends about his recent problems. Surely they would be understanding and try and relate to his problem. He logged on, only to find that none of them were online. It was already 2AM, and most of them were probably in bed by now, getting ready for the real lives that they had to live the following morning. It was then that Charlie finally realized the difference between the real-life friends he lacked, and the fantasy ones that he actually had.

---

Before Rebecca could manage a “Hello”, Amy was already well in to her apology. She had said how sorry she was that she didn’t tell Rebecca sooner, but that she was asked in second period to sit with the boy at lunch, and she couldn’t refuse. She felt bad that she didn’t get the chance to invite Rebecca over until the table was already full, and continued to apologize for several minutes. Rebecca sounded apathetic, but said that it was okay and there were no hard feelings. Amy told her that she should sit with her and her new boyfriend at lunch the next day. Rebecca said that was fine. Amy continued to go on about the boy and all the things she had already mentioned a few days ago at lunch. Rebecca wished that Amy would realize how talking about all this stuff only made her feel worse about not having a boyfriend. Eventually Amy asked how classes were going, but more as an invitation for Rebecca to vent than as a serious question. Rebecca was getting ready to begin her usual tirade with, “You won’t believe what Mr.-“, but was interrupted by Amy, who said Jacob (her boyfriend) was calling, and that she had to go. Before Rebecca muttered out another indifferent response, Amy had already hung up the phone. With her best friend now that much more out of her life, and with another problem now occurring on top of her grades situation, Rebecca could only manage to do one thing before she felt herself starting to cry. She fell asleep.

Rebecca enjoyed sleeping because it allowed her a reprieve from all that was wrong in her life. Even if nightmares happened, at least when she awoke she felt reassured that it was only a dream. Even if it was only for a few seconds, she felt relieved and happy to be alive. That feeling right as she woke up from a bad dream is what she wanted to feel like all the time. She wanted to feel that sense of being alive every minute of her life.

The next day at school Rebecca had just managed to survive her first couple of periods before she remembered she was suppose to sit with Amy and Jacob at lunch. By the time she got to the cafeteria though, their table was already full. Rebecca found a table off to the side and sat and ate her lunch alone. She wasn’t bold enough to sit with strangers, and couldn’t spot any other friends in the immediate vicinity. Whenever she went around walking in the cafeteria during lunch she felt vulnerable. It was as if everyone sitting down turned their eyes to watch the lost girl trying to find someone to eat with. She felt pathetic if she walked around looking like she was lost for too long, so she decided she’d eat by herself. Friday came and went, but the same thing happened. The table was full by the time she got there, and she ate by herself. She supposed she could ask Amy to save her a seat, but Amy looked like she was having so much fun, that it wouldn’t feel like talking to the same person anymore. Despite all of the emotional turmoil, Rebecca had managed to bring her grade in Math up to passing, and her brother had helped her write an excellent paper for English. She was still failing History miserably, though, and knew that if she didn’t pass the class she wouldn’t get to walk. In light of recent events with Amy not getting to walk seemed like not that big of a deal. However there was still pressure to perform well from her parents and if she didn’t walk she knew that they would feel ashamed and embarrassed. She had the weekend ahead of her to get her act together, and then next week her History teacher would explain the project due in two weeks time. If she failed to pass this project, she would fail the course. If she failed the course, she couldn’t walk. Realizing that anxiety was about to build its way up inside of her, she fell asleep on her bed. While asleep she wouldn’t have to worry about Monday, or think about Amy, boys, grades, graduation, or anything. History class was miles away when she was sleeping. “If only I could sleep forever”, she thought to herself, as she easily slipped in to the depths of the unconscious.

---

The second half of the week only gave Charlie more to brood about. Going to school never helped Charlie with any of his problems, and it was most certainly not going to surprise him in this case. Whenever he walked down the hall to and from his classes he’d look at girls walking the other way. They’d look at him for not even a second before averting their eyes to the ground, the wall, the ceiling, or anything else that wasn’t him. He felt like a disgusting monster at school, and wished that he’d never have to go back every time he came home. When he did get home Charlie didn’t play Redfall like he used to, but rather watched more and more movies. He got bored of only movies with love in them, so gradually he started mixing in violence. Some of the movies even combined the two in some form of rape or other sexual oddity. Charlie didn’t particularly like the movies, and wasn’t fascinated by them, but watched them nonetheless. Soon his passion to fall in love and his unexplainable desire to have a “special someone” turned in to a different emotion. At first it was subtle, with things like yelling at his dog and noting in his head that he hated certain people. His temper was noticeably shorter and much more aggressive towards other people. Personally Charlie thought that it all stemmed from the fact that he quit the game and was now suffering in the throes of loneliness. Unhappy and discontented, Charlie spent most of his time in envy of others at school. He hated how they all could fall in love, and he would never get the chance. No woman on the planet would give a second look towards him – not even his grandmother – and that infuriated his soul.

He returned to school on Monday a changed man. Not that anyone else would be able to tell since he hardly talked to begin with, but he was now a person filled with rage. Before he would stare at people and fantasize. He’d wonder what it would be like to have sex with this girl or that girl. He wondered what it would be like to marry this person or that person. His head was filled with confused and emotional thoughts that he couldn’t comprehend or put in order. Now he hated those that he was once enamored with. He hated all the beautiful girls who he would never get to have sex with. He hated the guys who had sex with them. He hated the boyfriends and girlfriends who kissed in the hallways, and who probably drove to each others houses after school to make sweet love in each others arms. He hated all of them. He didn’t want to think about them, but he was surrounded by them. He knew something was wrong in his thinking, and that he didn’t use to always think this way, but he was obsessing over it way too much. He knew likewise that it was unhealthy to hate people like this, and that it wasn’t their fault they thought they were in love. Still, he couldn’t help the fact that he envied all of them to the point of contempt, and would do anything to let them all know how he felt. This feeling is one Charlie would carry with him for the rest of the week, leading up to the weekend.

---

Rebecca woke up Monday morning, but since she didn’t have a nightmare she wasn’t glad about it. When she had normal dreams, or when she couldn’t remember her dreams, waking up was a chore. She past in front of the bathroom mirror on her way to take a shower, and thought that she looked a little uglier than usual. Maybe it was a sign that her self-esteem was dropping, or it could’ve just been the fact that she had just woken up. Either way, the thought stuck with her throughout the entire day. Her classes were just as miserable as ever, with History being particularly agonizing. Since Amy had started seeing Jacob, she began to notice couples a lot more around the school. At lunch she even noticed that Amy and Jacob weren’t at their usual table. When she got up to go to the restroom, she saw them making out underneath the staircase that led up to the loft area. She past the bathroom mirror on her way to the stall, and thought she looked like a monster now. Surely no boy would ever ask her out, or take her to a movie, or fall in love with her. She nearly convinced herself that such a thing could and would never happen to her. It was happening to all of her other friends – so why not her? How come she didn’t get to fall in love? What was wrong with her? These are all questions that she asked herself a thousand times a day. Amy stopped calling her completely, for she was now infatuated with Jacob. Rebecca didn’t have to ask if they were having sex, because the make out session she witnessed was most certainly an indicator of that.

Rebecca ran up to her room after school and thought of all the things that had been going on in her life. She thought about Amy’s relationship, her grades, her graduation, and then she thought about the future. What about college, her major, and making friends there? What about finding a person to marry? There were so many challenges ahead of her that she had trouble keeping track of them all. She remembered her father used to tell her to take things one at a time, but she couldn’t help but feel despair at the thought of all these things. She remembered there used to be a time that she’d call Amy right about now, but having no one to turn to; she buried her face in her pillow and went to sleep. She woke up at about midnight, and headed downstairs. Tomorrow was the big unveiling of the History project, and the anxiety had finally caught up with her. She wasn’t quite thinking right, and knew that something inside of her felt different. She had felt abandoned by Amy, pressured by her family, and forsaken by all the teenage boys at her school. Classes were becoming more difficult now that finals were approaching, and while everyone else was busy planning for college and the future, she was caught in a swirling vortex of the present. Her problems seem to run around in one giant circle, always coming back to the same place they started. Finding a solution to such an impenetrable predicament seemed anything but feasible. She walked downstairs while crying softly so as not to wake her parents. The entire time her tunnel was becoming darker, with the light at the opposite end becoming smaller and smaller. Was she walking away, or was it getting smaller on its own while she stood still? She didn’t want to think about these things anymore. She wanted to go to back to sleep, since that was when she was happiest and at peace. She wanted to go to sleep forever, and not have to deal with these problems in her life right now. She wanted to wake up in a few years and hopefully have things be better. Right now, she didn’t want to live, she just wanted to sleep. And with that thought, Rebecca opened up the medicine cabinet next to the kitchen sink, and began perusing the variety of pills.

---

Over the weekend Charlie felt the tension inside of him build up to an enormous amount. If it kept going at this rate, pretty soon even the slightest alteration would send him over the edge. He felt as if he was dangerous. The loneliness was finally getting to him, and his thoughts were becoming more and more violent and perverse. He downloaded over thirty hours of pornography that weekend, and watched it all day Saturday and Sunday, making sure to keep an ear out for his parents. He didn’t know how many times he could continue to pleasure himself to the things he was downloading. Each additional time he did he felt more and more ashamed. An hour later he would be overcome with the intolerable sensation to do it again, and he couldn’t help himself. Hours passed and with each successive porn star or film he hated everyone that much more. He hated the people he was watching and he hated the people at school who did the same things. Why did it have to be with his hand that his dreams were fulfilled? Why couldn’t there be someone in the world to love him and carry out these fantasies for him? Why did his love have to exist on a computer screen, being performed by desperate teenage girls and sorry excuses for men?

Charlie was up late Sunday night, getting ready to fall asleep before heading back to his prison-that-was-school the next morning. He saw a commercial for adult phone chatting, and an idea formed in his mind. He went downstairs and stole his mother’s credit card and dialed the number. He gave them the number and information on the card, and soon a woman answered the phone. Charlie didn’t know what to expect, or how these kinds of things worked. All he knew was that this woman could give him what he wanted. This woman could love him just like he wanted the girls at his high school to love him. She asked him if he was excited, and what he was wearing. Charlie mumbled for a few minutes, but soon began feeling more confident. He told the woman to start doing things to herself. He told her to do things to himself, and she said that she couldn’t. He told her not to stop, that she was doing a great job, but she said he was crazy, that she wasn’t even there. Charlie ignored the woman and kept on talking dementedly in to the phone. He told her not to stop, that she was wonderful, that he loved her, and more. The woman eventually realized that Charlie was practically doing her job for her, so she hung up. Charlie didn’t notice the dial tone on the phone until approximately three minutes later. By then, he had already finished what he thought the woman was doing. When he came to, he sat up in his bed and stared blankly in to his pitch-dark room. Although there was neither a mirror nor light to see it with, he sensed that his eyes were narrow and filled with a livid hunger.

---

After staring at the pills for about twenty minutes, weighing the pros and cons of what it would be like to fall asleep forever, Rebecca closed the cabinet. She had only taken one sleeping pill, and was now on her way back to her room. Before falling asleep she decided to talk to perhaps the only person (or thing) that was bound to listen. She prayed to God that night to never allow her to kill herself. She knew that it was a wrong thing to do, but for a few moments that night she could see the positive side it might hold, if there was such a thing. Rebecca was not religious, and didn’t practice a particular religion, but after realizing she had just nearly killed herself, she decided the time was apt to pray. Her History project was going to start tomorrow, but the effects of the pill suppressed her anxiety about it, at least for the time being.

The bell rang to dismiss second period, and Rebecca was on her way to History class. Although she was slightly embarrassed about it, her legs were actually shaking as she made her way in to the room. Mr. Griffin (her History teacher) had already placed the project specifications on each of their desks. To Rebecca’s surprise, it was going to be a two-person project, and their partners were already picked out. This was delightful news, because it meant she at least had a chance to get a passing grade if she was paired up with someone who knew what they were doing. Finally, after being stranded out in the ocean for so long, a wave had finally come along to get her moving. She didn’t want to waste this impetus, and thus vowed to seize this opportunity to try and get her life moving again, starting with her grades. As it turns out (maybe by Mr. Griffin’s doing), her partner was Stephen, who was actually one of the best history students in the entire class. When Mr. Griffin told the two-person groups to gather, Stephen came over to sit by her and started discussing the project. Rebecca was very pleased that Mr. Griffin had given her someone who knew what they were doing. With Stephen as her partner, they were bound to get a pretty good grade, and that made her happy. She didn’t really know a lot about him, since he didn’t really talk much and just kind of went about doing his own thing. He seemed like a pretty nice kid, though.

Just about an hour or so later at lunch Rebecca went to sit by herself again, and started going over what she and Stephen discussed about the project. About five minutes after she had finished eating her lunch, Stephen had come over and asked to sit next to her. He said they could use lunch time to discuss the project if she wanted, which would mean they wouldn’t have to come in early or stay after school. Rebecca, who was both stunned by his impulsiveness and pleased by his gesture to sit with her, contentedly obliged. Rebecca thought that maybe things would actually start to get better, starting out with one of the most unlikely of candidates – her History project.

---

Charlie seemed to drift effortlessly through school on Monday. He didn’t even think about the phone call, the porn on his hard drive, or the insatiable desires he felt during the day. All that filled his heart was hatred for all of those people who would never have to call a phone sex number out of loneliness, or download porn out of lack of having a girlfriend. He thought of how messed up of a kid he was, and how deranged and often times psychotic his thoughts were. The fact that he was able to appear calm above the storm that was raging inside of him scared him even more. His parents were still oblivious to his actions, as well as his pornography habits. They thought he was just an introspective person who liked to be alone and do things his own way. They decided to respect his decision not to drink and smoke like all the other kids, and thus let him be.

That night Charlie started thinking about things in a completely different way. Instead of allowing his anger and rage to overwhelm him, he decided to focus that power in to something else. He began scheming and calculating different scenarios that he could play out to let everyone know how he felt. He decided it was best for the world to know the kind of pain that he went through, so as to not turn a blind eye to it any longer. The only thing that he now wanted was to let everyone know how he felt. He wanted everyone to know the anger, rage, sadness, and desolation that filled his empty heart. His fruitless efforts to obtain love amassed to nothing more than an unrelenting desire to show others how it feels. Perhaps something wasn’t quite right in his head, or perhaps his head was transformed in to something that wasn’t right. Charlie didn’t have time to ponder over the nature and inner workings of his obsessive nature of things. He wanted to consume and overpower anything that stood in his way of finding love. He wanted to show all those who had love, what it felt like to have it taken away. For the last time ever, Charlie logged in to Redfall to tell his friends something very important. Disappointment sunk in again when he realized none of them were on, so instead he opted to send several of them a private message. They’d wake up in the morning expecting to check the sale of a sword or some magic spell, but instead they’d find a message from Charlie.

“You’ve all been the best friends I’ve ever had. I love you all so much and wish I could be with you all forever. I’m leaving Redfall forever, and I want you all to know how much you mean to me. Please keep an eye out on your local news channels and city newspapers for me, where I’ll be saying my final goodbye, to all of you.” -Charlie

Charlie packed up his books and clothes for school, and put two of his father’s 9mm handguns in to his backpack. He watched pornography on his computer until the sun came up, and filled with resolution, he left for school.

---

Rebecca hadn’t smiled so much in weeks. Stephen had called her to talk about the project some more the other night, and for the first time in weeks she was glad to be awake and not sleeping. She couldn’t believe just a few days ago that she had wanted to be asleep forever, yet all it took was one person who was assigned to do a project with her to turn things around. She knew that this meant she was incredibly likely to get to walk in graduation, which made her very happy. Spending time with someone else also took her mind off of Amy, who seemed to be less-than-happy as of late. She went through her first couple of periods without any problems (she now had a “C” in Math and a “B” in English) and arrived at History with a ridiculously big smile on her face. Stephen was already sitting next to her desk with his book and notes open. They had been working so efficiently that today they really didn’t have much to do until they started on the second phase of Nazi Germany. They talked a little bit about their personal lives, but mostly it was just all small talk. Stephen said he was glad that they were assigned together, because he saw that she always sat by herself at lunch, and he wanted a reason to go and join her. The continued to talk some more until class was over, and they promised to meet back up in about an hour for lunch.

---

Charlie arrived at school still not entirely sure of what it was he planned to do. He had been scheming and planning something like this for weeks, but now that it came time to actually do it he was unsure of which method to take. Would he stand in the middle of the courtyard and kill himself? Would he go around the hallways shooting every couple holding hands? Would he find a girl alone in the locker room and rape her before killing her? Swirling images of all these things filled his head, and he was uncertain as to which would have the biggest impact. He wanted people to never forget him and what he was trying to say. He wanted everyone to know just how it was that he felt. He needed the most amount of people possible in one location. He had to wait until lunch time, and then he would once and for all show everyone his pain, his suffering, and his ruthless anguish. He had no specific targets, just anyone who looked like they were in love. Guys and girls kissing, holding hands, spending time together, whatever. Anything that embodied love would feel his wrath come noon. He hoped that people would realize in time that he did this in the name of love. He did this for the sake of all those lonely people who will have to go through the torment of yearning for love.

---

Rebecca met Stephen in the lunch room and they sat at their usual table. They had their textbooks out, but neither of them opened them today. They started talking about their families, their classes, and all sorts of other things. Stephen thought that they were becoming really good friends, and he enjoyed spending time with Rebecca. He hoped that she enjoyed it as much as he did. Rebecca was just happy to have someone finally sitting with her at lunch. The loneliness that had overcome her was beginning to be a bit much, and she was even thinking about walking around looking helpless for a table with some people she recognized. Ten minutes in to their conversation about how horrible Math class was, several people started to look towards the stairs leading up to the loft. Stephen was facing the doors outside, so he couldn’t tell what was going on, but Rebecca was facing the stairwell where she had seen Amy making out with Jacob so many times. In the span of the next fifteen seconds, mayhem ensued.

Rebecca noticed a strange boy reaching inside his backpack at the bottom of the stairs. She thought his name was Charles or something, but wasn’t quite sure. He was always alone and looked pretty grumpy. She couldn’t recall ever talking with him, but didn’t have time to think about him any longer before she noticed what he was doing. Charlie was pulling out two 9mm pistols from his backpack. Rebecca’s eyes widened and her mouth opened slightly in shock. Charlie began to raise both of the guns in both hands. Stephen was in the process of turning his head when he heard shots being fired. He didn’t know where they were coming from, or who was shooting. He didn’t know how many of them there were, or what type of gun it was. He heard the shots bounce off walls and tables, and heard the cries and screams of several kids in the cafeteria. Stephen kicked his chair back with one foot and launched himself over the table towards Rebecca with the other. His arm caught her around the throat and she was forced to the ground. All the while bullets continued to rain down upon the unsuspecting crowd of students. No one knew which way to run, or if anywhere at all was safe. Everyone felt frightened and scared, just as Charlie had intended.

After those fifteen seconds of events, Charlie was wrestled to the ground where kids started to beat him in to submission. Mainly it was a senior on the wrestling team and a large black kid who played on the football team doing the damage. They held his arms down and punched him in the face, stomach, and crotch over and over. Eventually he was motionless and everyone backed away from him. Then, in half of a split second, Charlie raised the gun to his own head in a lightning-quick movement. The wrestler jerked his arm forward to grab it, but it was too late. Charlie had already fired. People screamed, and began to scan the cafeteria, looking for signs of those injured – or worse. Seven people were immobile on the ground, and bleeding heavily. Rebecca had her eyes closed, and was still taking in the entire situation. One second she was staring at Charlie in fright, and the next Stephen was leaping on top of her. Now she felt a thudding pain in her stomach area, and something heavy lying on top of her. She realized the something heavy was Stephen, and that she had been shot somewhere near the stomach. Stephen pushed himself off of her, and asked her in a concerned tone if she was okay. She had her hand over her stomach already, and was bleeding freely, but because of the shock she still could not say anything with much meaning. Stephen’s left shoulder had been hit by a bullet, and when the neurons of her brain finally settled for a moment, Rebecca realized that had been the same shoulder that was covering her throat merely seconds before. Rebecca felt like she had just woken up from a nightmare. She was so relieved to be saved, to have her life saved. She thought for sure that she was going to die, when she saw both Stephen leaping at her and Charlie pointing a gun at her. She was so happy as she let sweet relief rush in to take the place of terror. Then, her eyes began to slowly close, and she felt herself drifting off in to the land of dreams. For the first time in what seemed like forever she fought it, but in the end, her eyes ultimately closed.

---

News reports of Charlie Bruhn and his Redfall messages soon spread throughout the media channels. His parents released statements saying that they never knew their son was going through such periods of intense rage. When the police found over 60GB of pornography on his computer, his parents were shocked. They never knew their son had such a sinful and horrific obsession. How he managed to hide it from both of them is still a mystery. Charlie’s mother regrets to this day not playing a more active role in her son’s life, and not forcing him to do things against his will. The official news report of the accident put the death toll at six at the scene of the crime, and one later in the emergency room. Eleven more were injured, and one – Rebecca Henderson – was in critical condition.

The local media covered the progress of Rebecca over the next several days. Her parents repeatedly gave statements regarding their thanks to everyone who prayed for their daughter’s safety. They were very grateful for all the support they were receiving, and hoped to God that their precious daughter would be okay. She was still unconscious, and her body was not yet maintaining life support on its own. Should she wake up the doctors would know that things were looking up, and she would be one step closer to surviving. Statistics were being thrown around as to the possible percentages of Rebecca’s recovery. Some doctors said that she might possibly end up in a coma for the rest of her life, fully unconscious and unaware of the world around her, or as one doctor put it – “An eternal sleep of the body”.

Stephen came by to visit Rebecca’s family and wish them the best, telling them that he was working on a project with her and was there with her during her last moments of consciousness. The family had heard from other witness statements on local news channels that this boy was responsible for saving their daughter’s life, and thanked him immensely. Everyone in the high school was praying for the well-being of Rebecca, and praying that she would make it through. Stephen prayed with her family, and the high school had a moment of silence every morning to pray for her. Even Amy, who only recently discovered Jacob had been cheating on her the entire time she was with him, joined in the prayers with a feeling of enormous regret and guilt. She, more than anyone else, longed so deeply from within her heart to talk to Rebecca just one more time. She wanted to apologize for everything she had done, and the neglect she had put her through.

At 8:03AM only a week after Charlie’s shootings, the doctor in charge of Rebecca’s care gathered her family for his announcement. A couple hours later, on the same day, Stephen was sitting in History class looking at Rebecca’s seat. More than anything in the world he, and countless others, wished that she would be okay. At approximately 11:26AM, the principal of the school interrupted classes on the intercom system.

“Please excuse the interruption, this is Principal Johnson speaking. I’d like you all to know that I just got off the phone with Mr. Henderson, and that earlier this morning Rebecca was showing signs of maintaining her own life support. Just minutes ago she regained consciousness, and doctors say that she is going to be just fine.”

The entire school erupted in cheers and shouts. Stephen looked over at her vacant seat, and smiled.

Power of Words, Power of Action

A black teen named Darrell was probably one of the most popular kids in his school. He was a star on both the football and basketball teams, and before he graduated received scholarship offers in both sports from many colleges. He wasn't that great with his academics, but he did enough to get by. Teachers would often turn a blind eye to his grades by request of a coach, as often happens in high school sports. Darrell always had kids behind him in the hallway in between classes, and his friends huddled around his locker when he arrived in the morning. His high school was pretty diverse, so he had just as many white friends as he did black ones. Darrell himself never really thought too much about it, but he would hang out mainly with the other black guys. They were a little bit different, though. Most of them only dated other black girls, and thought that white girls should date white guys. Darrell never really voiced his opinion on what he thought of this, but just continued to do what he did best: keep his mouth shut and play great in sports.

Winter was slowly fading away and Spring was peeking its head from just above the horizon. Everyone was ready to shake off the winter snow flurries and welcome the thawing warmth of a Spring's sun. To Darrell this cued the start of basketball season, which meant practices every day after school. School itself was becoming quite enjoyable for him. He had a fun spending time with friends throughout the day, and even though he was now failing in Math, he had plans to get a student tutor to help him before the season actually began. People would always pat him on the back in the hallways, and yell out his name: "Yea, that's our Darrell!", and such. He was proud that he was such a revered athlete in his school, and loved to perform for everyone. There probably wasn't anything in the world for which Darrell would've traded his athletic abilities. He truly was incredibly overjoyed that the basketball season was finally starting, and knew he'd be able to please everyone with his performances on the court.

Sadly, however, Darrell still had the task of passing Math on his plate. He put in a request with the tutoring services the mathematics department offers, and had an appointment with someone in two days in the library. That was how Darrell met Michelle. Michelle was a 3.6 GPA student, and overall an average girl, but she excelled in mathematics. Over the next few days Michelle began to tutor Darrell in the library after school or during lunch. Darrell tried his hardest to understand the material. "OK, so when solving for antiderivatives...", he'd think to himself, "You just take the exponent and....(She has pretty eyes) and.... (God she's cute) and raise it...."(I wonder if she has a boyfriend). "...by one and then divide by the new exponent", she'd finish for him. She'd ask him if he was really focusing, and he said that he was, but Michelle wasn't quite sure. Truthfully, she had caught herself staring at him on more than just one occasion. Any of Michelle's friends could've told you that it wasn't because she was shallow and wanted to date a popular guy - it was just that every girl in the high school thought Darrell was extremely good looking. If any one of them had said they had never atleast once found themselves staring at him, then they were most certainly not telling the truth.

Darrell's grade was increased to a passing "D" after only a few short lessons, but he continued to tutor with Michelle for weeks after that. His friends became concerned when they stopped seeing him at lunch, and when one of them saw him with Michelle they all teased him about it. They knew that he was already passing Math, since he was being allowed to play in the first couple of basketball games that had already occurred, and none of them could see why he was still being tutored by this prissy white girl. Michelle's friends were really no different, and they too were concerned for their friend. Perhaps it was their old-fashioned fathers who taught them to stay away from trouble (which in their town equated to blacks), but they were definitely wary of Michelle's relationship with Darrell. As you can imagine, it was not long after both sides began to worry that Darrell and Michelle began to date. Michelle's friends still talked to her, but she could feel that an icy presence had overcome them. Darrell's friends all but turned their back on him, but still kept him around simply because he was the school's athletic star. They told him that his popularity would be in trouble if he continued to hang around with this white girl, but he didn't listen. How I wish I could say Darrell and Michelle's love flourished, and how they triumphed over the evil stereotypes that are often conjured by the ignorance of youth in high school. Alas, such a thing did not occur.

It is true that their relationship became the hottest topic of the school. Darrell's popularity, coupled with the fact that he was dating a white girl, spread extremely quickly throughout the gossip channels. Some people gaped at them, some people gawked, some stared, and some looked disgusted. A few were supportive, but not nearly enough to make either of them happy. One night, while Michelle was spending time at Darrell's house, she voiced her concerns to him about the direction of their relationship. She said that she was getting tired of people constantly staring at her like she was an animal, and that she knew his friends hated her. She started to cry, and became extremely vulnerable. Darrell held her close and told her to forget about all of them, that all she needed was him, and that all they needed was each other. He told her they could go through life and all they would ever need is the support given by the other. This concept struck an emotional chord deep within Michelle's soul, and she gave herself to Darrell. Darrell had been pressing the topic of sex for quite a while now, and had at some times even pressured Michelle in to making a decision. Up until tonight Michelle had not fully been able to hand over what had always been hers and only hers, but after hearing the sentiments of Darrell she decided it was finally time to give herself to the man that she loved. She knew that he loved her too in return.

Darrell and Michelle continued to see each other, and soon the hype of their being together blew down. People didn't react so strongly to seeing them together in the hallways, and eventually Michelle's friends and Darrell's friends stopped harassing them so much. Things were just starting to look up. Michelle was chosen to give a speech at graduation, as part of a poll process held by the SGA. Darrell's basketball team was going to State this year, and he felt as if he had never played better in all his life. The weeks seemed to slip away easily, and in their last few blissful weeks of being a high school couple, Michelle and Darrell grew closer and closer yet. Little did they know that several events would take place that would change their lives forever.

One day Michelle caught Darrell after a basketball practice. Darrell was especially excited because a prospect from a college university had visited the team for today's practice, and Darrell was only a dotted line away from signing the best scholarship offer he had received to date. Michelle decided to talk to him later, and Darrell ran off with the guys to the locker room. She called him later that night, hoping that he was home and somewhat calmed down from earlier that day. Michelle told Darrell that she had missed her period. Darrell didn't really know why she was telling him this, I mean she never talked to him about this kind of stuff before. Then she told him that she thought she might be pregnant. The phone almost dropped from his hand, which along with the rest of his body was frozen in shock. He kept saying over the phone that he didn't know how this could be, that it was impossible. He said she had made a mistake, that there's no way she could be having a baby. He went on a tirade for several minutes, then told her that he had to collect himself and that he'd call her later that night. Michelle was just as afraid and scared as Darrell was. It was way too early to be a parent, how would they manage? Would they even be able to go to college now? Had Darrell even planned on staying together with her after high school? What happened now? Where do they go from here? Darrell called her back about thirty minutes later. He told her he wanted an abortion.

Putting aside the three hour argument that followed well in to the night, Darrell and Michelle were at extremely opposite ends with the situation. Darrell still had his athletic career ahead of him, and if you remember there was "nothing in the world he would've traded for his athletic abilities". For Darrell, that even included a human life. Michelle thought he was being extremely selfish about his decision, and soon cried herself to sleep every night. Darrell was constantly hounding her to get an abortion, and she was even afraid to go to her parents for help. She was afraid of what they would think of her. She regretted allowing Darrell to break her down and take what was once only hers. She was having pressure put on her from all sides, and the only thing she would do to cope is cry and stroke her stomach. One day after school Darrell found Michelle and led her to the bathroom. He held both of her wrists tightly and held her arms up high. He told her that she was going to get an abortion before it was too late, that neither of them had the responsibility to do this, that it wasn't shameful, that it was the only way, and a slew of other things. Michelle began to weep, her wrists now painfully sore from his hard grip. Having him bear down on her like this with all these comments was just too much of a strain for poor Michelle, and she agreed to have the abortion. She told Darrell she would get it done a week before graduation, which was only two weeks away.

Two Weeks Later
Darrell's team got to the semi-finals in State, but ended up losing to a high school only five miles away from them. Slowly Darrell and Michelle grew apart, which was largely due to her abortion. Darrell thought of how hard it must be for Michelle to live with herself after what she did. He knew that she wanted to keep the baby, but there was no bright future for either of them if she did. He had plans, he had a scholarship, he had a road that he intended to follow. He spent many nights wondering if he made the right decision, the most important of which was the night they graduated. It took place at a local church, and the entire place was packed (which was quite impressive, if you could see the size of the church). The students were all in their robes and garments, and the parents sat to look at them proudly. Michelle's parents sat in the audience, still oblivious to her abortion. They still did not know - and maybe they never will know - that just a few weeks before their daughter was carrying a baby. The ceremony was winding down, and the members of SGA all gave their short speeches before introducing Michelle. Everyone gave a round of applause as she approached the podium.

Michelle began with a seemingly solid tone of voice.
"As we gather here today, we take time to reflect on the years of our lives which have led us to this point. We remember the struggles we faced, and the friends and family that helped us overcome them."
Her voice began to quiver slightly as she continued.
"This support from those we know we can count on, is perhaps one of the greatest things that a high school community can grant. It allows us to live our lives head-on, without any regrets, and without doubt of our actions."
Tears begin forming around her eyes.
"And now, as we continue on our journey, we must entrust the community and its livelihood to our children. Our children, who we cherish most above all, who will inherit, all that we....."
But Michelle could not finish the closing part of her speech, and ran off the stage crying. Darrell watched her flee in to the back behind the curtain. Perhaps he was the only person who knew why.

Two Years Later
Darrell became a college basketball star. He was not yet at the level of a superstar, but he was a very successful player which had benefited from remaining healthy throughout his college years. Michelle was still single, and working part-time at a cafe while she was working on completing her Bachelors. She had been through much more than Darrell had the last couple years, but she didn't regret it at all. She was on her way home from work at eleven o clock at night. She pulled in to her driveway and walked up to her front door, where she fiddled with her keys before opening them. She knew that her life would never be the same. After graduating high school she wasn't able to attend college right away. She began working immediately to try and raise as much money as possible on her own. She opened the door and headed upstairs. She went in to a room, which was bathed only in the light of the moon, and stood by a wooden cradle in the middle of it. She stared down at her baby boy, and smiled to herself. It was times like these that she was glad she never doubted her own abilities, and her willingness to take care of herself. All the pain and hardships that she had to endure for her child, was nothing compared to the pain she would had to have endured killing him. Meanwhile Darrell was reminiscing on his glory days of high school, his days spent with Michelle, and the child that he had given up. Miles away, that child was sound asleep, with a single mother by his side, where she always intended to be.